Our Thoughts

I was kind of not prepared for the periods at every line. That broke the poem up I feel like. I thought it was fine near the beginning but in the middle, comma's would suit.

"While we busy thinking."

- Re-read. Should be "while we were busy thinking" or "while we are busying thinking" depending on what tense you want.

"Thinking of how miserable is life."

- Wording here does not sound natural. "is life" --> "life is".

"Life tends to make our thoughts disappear in to the thin walls of denial.
Denial we keep allowing."

- Beautiful verses here. It is the truth in that some of us don't like confrontation with what's truly in our hearts, what we need to overcome.

"Allowing us to fight among ourselves to death."

- It is sad how we can become our own worst enemies.

"Death that never care whether we live or die."

- "care" should be plural.

"Thoughts we busy creating."

- Re-read. "we are busy" would be better.

Creating the imaginations of miserable life.
"Life we are suppose to enjoy."

- "supposed to" --> "supposed to".

"Enjoy with open minded that it is short."

- Would read better as: "Enjoy with open minds because it is short."

Open minded is a adjective here, you need a noun for it to make sense.

"Time is this to enjoy and live.
Live this life it's not that you are coming out of it alive."

- Your wording is different. It makes me stop and think, but put stresses on certain parts to make it able to be understood.

"Time is this, to enjoy and live.
Live this life; it's not that you are coming
out of it alive."

This was a dismal ending yet a truthful one... made me think how death is inevitable but also made me think you don't believe in an afterlife. Because "alive" could mean in another form or carried on to a new life somewhere else. That time is only there for to be used, not for purpose. Lots of thoughts running through my head here!

I really admire your tactic of starting each and every line with the last word from the previous one. That is very clever. Work on the format/structure however so you can do this, and not have it be choppy.

Yes, you could say I am very nit-picky in places when I give critiques, so hope that was okay. I tend to comment on a lot lol

Please keep writing!