Comments : Governor

  • 11 years ago

    by Alanis

    Your views on politics is beyond compare, you are in your element with this poem, you out line it in such a way that it makes your readers believe your point of views

  • 11 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    As I have suggested before, I would highly recommend separating into stanzas. They don't even have to have the same number of lines, just split your poem up so visually it is more easy to read and is not lumped all together. Take time to edit. I found this poem to be inconsistent, not with the message but with grammar. Unless you want one line to stand alone and not have punctuation, if you are ending one thought and moving on to another, to leave that line hanging, because it will confuse the reader.

    "You have become a disgrace
    The society values you no more"

    - Bold opening and it already tells the reader that this man has lost what a whole society may call socially acceptable or moral.

    "Lies and corruption fills you to the brim
    Nothing comes out of your mouth is true."

    First line: "fills should be "fill"
    Second line: Reread. It doesn't make sense the way you wrote it. Should be:

    "Nothing that comes out of your mouth is true."

    "The many broken hearts you deceived,
    Only for you to receive
    the votes you stole from them
    now the reason they are in pain."

    - Connect your thought process here. Add punctuation such as this revision:

    "The many broken hearts you deceived,
    only for you to receive
    the votes you stole from them...
    the reason they are in pain."

    "You promised a better life for them,
    Water, sanitary and jobs for the youth
    free education for their children, and fair taxation,
    all for you to be on top of the clouds,
    Am sorry Mr. Governor
    the clouds are gone,
    It's time to come down."

    Polish this up a bit.
    Add a period after "all for you to be on top of the clouds".
    Fifth line ---> "I am sorry Mr. Governor"

    I liked specifically stating what promises/plans he made, how it was bribery. Maybe he did it for fame, social status, or for fulfilment that people could trust in him. It is a treacherous web he spun.

    "What then will you say this time to get their votes?
    Will you bribe them like always?
    No, this time their eyes are open,
    They have seen enough to believe in empty promises"

    - Add period after last line. Politicians going up for a second term is a serious deal in my opinion. It makes me think if we will be so ignorant to re-elect or if we will think about our country (our people)'s future.

    "Don't you see this is all your fault"

    - Add question mark.

    "It's a new era
    they rule as the government follow.
    Don't you try to make fool of yourself
    You had it all and now you have nothing to show at all."

    - I believe in the voice of the people. I found a quote a few months ago saying that it is right if the government feel the people but not if the people fear the government. There should be ability to speak one's mind ( of course in a civil manner which does not always happen unfortunately ).

    I noticed you are a strong voice here, you have character and it shows through your passion for justice. I liked how the name of the governor wasn't specific, maybe you were thinking of someone in particular but it was more general. Like a call to all running for office and involved in the dangerous cycle of politics and truth vs. lies.