Comments : Savings.

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Wow, you done an amazing job, I had no idea if this would work or not, or if it would come together like I imagined in my head, but you managed it fine and made a great poem from it! Very impressed, well done.

    Last night, I gave into sins until
    they chased me past thickets
    and sweat that clung to my chest.
    I was the puma surviving on raw
    skin that did not see the black
    bear enter.

    - very catchy opening, bit of mystery with the 2 animals here about who will win in the end. I really like the description, especially with the sweat, I think it shows real fear. Great opening.

    While sunlight warmed my
    vocal chords, I realized darkness
    could not lure me into
    a coffin prematurely.

    - I really like the change of tone and the darkness and light contrast here. I think it shows the inner strength and determination to not give in.

    After daylight, I am unsinkable....

    - Love this line, great use of your prompt word unsinkable, using it for yourself and your strength. Very nicely laid out to have this on its own,

    I will reinvent my voice,
    keeping unmatched passion
    but knowing these
    shadows and echoes
    are not the end,
    the white cliffs of Dover
    encouraging my spirit
    to stay afoot,
    admire the untouched ground,
    and become weightless air.

    - adore your wording here, very nice. I like how you merged the ideas, and also the flow here is so fast and smooth it runs really easy on the tongue. I think this poem really relates to the time of year actually and the mood it can bring to some people. With the change in the weather, and sometimes we feel the darkness can sink in, and this poem could be holding onto the light that we know is there.

    I will always be searching-
    a Jules Verne who hopes
    to journey through Earth's
    tears, and teach me how
    a labyrinth can be
    unappreciated beauty.

    - love your new take on this labyrinth, how it can be seen as a maze and tricky, impossible even, and put people off. But instead you show that it could be beautiful like everything else can be too. Also nice place for the Earth's tears. Fantastic wording throughout here also.

    Hours will chap my lips,
    numb my fingers, and heat
    my face, but I will not fall
    behind.

    - love the attitude in the end, to stand up and fight. Brilliant. I think it actually matches the attitude Chels was looking for in her contest for survival.

    I really like what you have done, and I like it even more because I know that 3 different poems, have now made a 4th poem on its own.

    Thank you for trying this out, you done an amazing job and hope you enjoyed it. I hope more people will try this.