You are still swimming inside me
Frozen in time, development abandoned,
Life ambigious. Gone,
But I feel you still, swimming
I would have taken you to the pool
Worried about armbands
I would have taught you how to dive
To break the water with no impact
I imagine I had felt your legs, kicking
I long for just one kick -
Not for the walks in the park, the shrieks
On a swing - No. Just one kick
Would have made me a mother.
In my concept of biology
You never lived. In my concept of
Motherhood you are nonexistant.
In my womb you are dead.
My little dead thing, I feel
Your absence from my hands
To have held you; to have loved you;
To have lost you: these would be joys.
Anything but the stark facts of your
Non-existance. Your violent creation;
Your violent emission. If you ever lived
You lived to one fact: you were mine
My beautiful child, my child of rape.
