Happy

How can I trust anyone when I don't even trust myself?

If left alone for too long, I fear what the outcome will be.

I fear my mind may take me places I never want to go.

Places I could never fathom; not even in my worst nightmares.

No one tells you your nightmares can happen in full consciousness.

You can't shake yourself out of it, you're forced to face it.

No place to run. No turning back.

You see, when your pain is caused by their happiness what are you supposed to do?

I only ever wanted you to be happy, even if it's at the expense of mine.

I try to move on and something pulls me back.

I say I'm fine, and something inside me triggers.

A switch is flipped and my mind is in overdrive; no way to turn it off.

I feel trapped in my own personal hell.

A hell created by myself because I'm too goddamn sensitive to let go.

Letting go means giving up.

Giving up means letting you win.

Letting you win means I don't have the faith to keep fighting.

There's a difference between fighting and competing.

I can't compete: not with the one who has your heart now.

Even though it was mine first.

The saline falls, burning my skin as it rolls uncontrollably.

But you're happy. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.

So I wipe away the tears, put the smile on my face.

Go out into the world hoping for a saving grace.

I hope she gives you all I never could.

I hope she brings you happiness.

I hope she never drops it.

All I want is to be happy; hopefully I will be one day.

The day I find happiness my mind will slow and wonder in simplicity.

It will not ponder on all the words you ever said to me.

-Tanesha Nicole 12/02/2013