Body of Water
by Narph Dec 11, 2013
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When you touch me |
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Latest Comments
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10 years ago
by Sincuna
This is the type of poem that needs more recognition, if it were mine, I'd place it along my list of masterpieces. The type that can almost be so good, I woudn't change a thing. And normally I'll leave a poem as it is because I care a little, or I've decided it deserves no more than a few minutes of my attention. But this one is art:
"When you touch me
my skin becomes an ocean
where you dip anxious fingers
taunt the waves, and etch ripples
that linger
apparently
much longer than you. "
^ Loved the metaphor, it makes perfect sense. A dagger to the mind and heart.
A few things to contemplate on though:
1. Think about the word "anxious", is that the word you want to use. It's hard to picture anxious fingers "dipping", normally to dip, there is still grace. Unless the person the speaker is addressing to is to appear quite violent or physical. Like an anxious lover.
2. "apparently
much longer than you" - a little spoonfeeding. The ripples and the skin becoming an ocean, these are enough clues for the reader to know that the person has left a lasting mark to the speaker. The above quote isn't needed anymore. You just need one last word to finish the poem up. Lastingly... or fleetingly... away.
It is your poem, your masterpiece. You get to decide what to do.
Bravo with this work. Needs more readers.-
10 years ago
by Narph
Thank you Sincuna, that was very detailed. I do agree that this poem could use some reworking, but unfortunately I wrote it quickly a long time ago, and my muse for this one has long since left.
That said, I really appreciate your insight and ideas.
To clarify the piece, I should say that you're spot on with the contrast between "anxious" and "dipping." But to be honest, the person I always think of when I read this piece is someone who was, really, a hasty lover. Someone who sort of seemed to want constantly but never go to far. Meanwhile he sent me on an emotional rollercoaster of wanting him to appreciate me, but knowing in the back of my mind that everything he did was just a show, that he would never actually care at all. And that's where the ripples come in.
The ripples from knowing him are still here, but he, physically, is not. And I find that really annoying.
Overall, I wanted this poem to communicate my frustration with myself and with him. The last two lines are meant to change the tone of the piece from sensory to... passive aggressive? Haha, I always read the last two lines with a snarky anger.
Anyway, I'm rambling now.
Suffice to say, I really appreciate your comment, thank you so much for your feedback! :)
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10 years ago
Wonderful!!!
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10 years agoby Edward D Zurovec
This poem I really like,
I would call it the Minuteman;
and at the crest of wave__
crescendo___to quickly , Done!
Peace and Blessings
Upon further examination,
I really like this Poem.
When you touch me
my skin becomes an Ocean.
Where you're anxious fingers
taunt the waves and etch ripples
that linger; Apparently___
much longer than you.
