Peace

There was a time when I believed,
I was only placed upon this Earth
to suffer; when I thought tears were
only for the weak and trusting was
nothing short of stupid;

for it's difficult to love yourself when
you find you're constantly being hurt,
used, abused.

When your mama beats you at seven
years old to the point you literally fear
for your life or when your daddy constantly
lies to you, lets you down or when your
closest friend informs you she kissed your
rapist-but she didn't mean to; she was
influenced by the alcohol-she didn't mean
to disrespect nor hurt you that way.

It's difficult to love yourself when you
find out your daddy may have abused
a loved one in the worst possible way
or when your mama is jealous over
everything you have achieved

-because if you're a product of such
evil-what hope could you possibly
have for yourself?

It's hard to love yourself, when the
person who means everything to you,
the only person in the world you would
truly, genuinely, literally die for-is taken
away from you, because of circumstances
beyond your control.

Yes, it's difficult to love yourself; most
days you're incapable of even liking
yourself and sit stewing in self hatred,
negative thoughts and emotions, pills in
a shaky hand; trying to work up the
courage to swallow them, because surely
death is better than the hand you were
dealt?But then you realize...Suicide is
the most cowardly option,

for strong is fighting... it's hard,
and it's painful, and it's every day...

And when I think of this; I remember:
I didn't ask for this, nor did I deserve it,
it just...happened.

But I'm better than that, better than this,
and finally; I understood this...finally, I knew
none of this was my fault...I knew, I wasn't
a bad person, I knew that I could overcome this
and that I could, should, would learn to love myself;

I made peace within myself.

**"strong is fighting... it's hard,
and it's painful, and it's every day..."**

BtVS, Series three episode ten, Buffy to Angel.