The scent of loneliness

I lay alone, again.
Curled into a tight ball
As though I can disappear into the sheets.

The smell is making my head spin.
Dank, musky, rotten.
I never realised loneliness had a scent.

There's a pressure on my chest that's crushing me.
I wonder if just because blood pumps through my veins I am alive?
This does not feel like living.

I dial your number a dozen times.
My finger poised on the button, yearning for some connection.
But I do not press the button.
And my phone remains silent.

It's deafening the silence.
Screaming all my failures at me and attacking every weakness I have.

Please. Make. It. Stop.

My body is heavy. My eyes feel bruised and I am exhausted to my bones. Every nerve in my body screams at me to let go so that my body might get just a moment of needed rest.
But ...
We both know I don't know how to let go.

When sleep finally claims me, pulling me under like a wave, for a while it all stops.
The pressure releases from my chest.
The decaying loneliness fades.
And my body is light.
I let go for just a moment and let hope shine in.

Too soon, Consciousness starts to pull me back up and I reach across for your warmth.
My fingers are left grasping at air and then it all slams back home.

The pain paralyses me momentarily as awareness slides over my body, like smooth poison.

I need saving. I need love. I need you.

I open my eyes to the harsh truth that has now become my life.

I am all alone.