Sins on my Skin

2013-01-22 02:15 AM

I hate that we ended up lying
every time we smiled at each other
I hate that our embraces were reflex,
not love,
and that our lips touching felt cold

The distance between
the remembered and the forgotten
seems to be the same as
the distance between
this moment and the next

our present became past
and as midnight came,
that new-years eve
we watched the fireworks together
secretly wishing, both of us, that we had been up there as well,
I knew love for the first time

and then the fires faded,
we were left with the moonlight,
hoping that it'd paint our future in a good light
but we were young back then
young, and naive

I would've abandoned you back then,
had I known what was to come,
if I'd known who I would become

By the time that I realized I'd made your soul bleed
so much that you'd started hating your skin
I had piled up so many sins
that I'd forgotten most of them,
that I'd forgotten that I took away your ability to dream

Because love is painful, love is cruel
but loneliness is even crueler,
that distance between us,
because of my fear of getting hurt,
was probably the cruelest

So even though you've forgiven me by now,
I can't forgive myself
not for the sins themselves,
but for forgetting,
for not being able to apologize sincerely

And until every sin is remembered,
I will carve them into my skin,
I will make my body a graveyard world,
for all the dreams that I've killed
and all the dreams to come

Write, and write, and write,
and for every word written,
my back getting heavier;
I won't allow myself rest,
Until I remember everything

It's been years, and you've forgiven me already, indeed
And my skin has been covered up plenty
but until every inch of my memory has returned
and I've apologized sincerely
I won't forgive myself

Until that day comes
when I can show you the sins that I wrote on my back
and trust in that I don't deserve you stabbing it
showing you that I remember everything --

Until that day,
when I can finally greet you with an honest smile
I'll continue writing, and writing, and writing
and I will pray to all gods I don't believe in,
that I can earn the right to smile again

The sincerest apology I can give you right now
is for defying your wish
for me to allow myself to be loved again.