I remember
Years ago
I enjoyed life
I woke up smiling
Ready to take on a new day
But when life got to me
& I realized how corrupt and painful
What we are forced to survive
Truly is.
I learned the darkness in human beings
The coldness in our hearts
That isn't always apparent
But sure is there.
The ignorance got the best of me
Ruining who I once was
And creating a monster beneath my skin
Crawling to get out
With only one way to release it.
I took cold pieces of destruction
To my skin
To get relief
From the demons swarming my mind
& controlling my movements
So I no longer realized
What I had become.
I used to be so innocent
Not knowing a thing about heartbreak
Pain
Or misery
I once was so untouched
By these different forms of torture
But no longer
Do I have that innocence
I once contained years ago.
I am blind
Running through the black abyss
The insidious nature
Of night
Filling my dreams
& my reality
With suffering
Leaving me clawing at my skin
To break these chains.
I've seen the acts
That would leave any normal person
With their jaw hanging open
In utter shock
While I stand there
Already knowing how cruel
This world can be.
I once was full
I had all the pieces of my heart
Together so strong
A barrier protecting them
From any harm.
But that barrier was broken
My heart was decimated
Crumbling into ash
Till I no longer felt pain
Happiness
Or anything.
I got feeling
In the most controversial of things
An addiction
Running rampid within my veins
Dying to come out.
The blade called out my name
So many times
Making it seem like
It could fix me
When really it did nothing
But weaken me more.
I've felt things
People around me couldn't understand
Even if they tried
Even if they did what I did.
They couldn't understand
They aren't me
Not the person
Who hates themselves
& is their own worst enemy
The one who tore at her skin
Just to feel alive again.
I am more than broken
That's simply an understatement
To the extremity of my sadness
My hopelessness
& the utter loneliness
I am plagued with
Every single day
Of this torturous life
I survive each second
Wondering if I'll make it to the next day
If I will be strong enough.
I push people away now
Because I don't want to get shot again
With another word
That breaks me even more
Than I am already broken
Tearing at the shattered pieces
Of my mending heart.
