I wish to have someone to talk to. I feel so wrapped up it's hard to breathe. There is always those saying I can talk to them about anything. But really it's not that easy for me to share. I feel as though so many always feel friendships are one sided. That I actually fear having a best friend. I'm best friends to many. Like a vault of truths that must never see light again. But mine have never seen light in the first place. I run from my feelings. I fight them every time they emerge. Rejection feels crippling, but loss love kills. So I keep extending my reach to the stars. Putting my head in the clouds. Trying to forget human basic needs. And it has worked for a time, but now feelings start to grow. They pull me as fight to be free. Free of the feeling I know I need. They make me human. Rather than feeling so damaged. I rather just not feel. At one time I would take pills or cause physical pain to others or myself. I am passed that now. No longer do I take a razor to my skin. No longer to I carry the anger to hurt others. No longer do I drug my mind with pills. I do smoke some bud. I just still wish for another way. I want to be free of pain. Pain of loss, love, rejection, and emotions. How do you escape yourself. I only know one way. That just feels too weak to me. Some focus away from the physical pain. I rather focus on it. Feel it only it. Mind going numb as the skin tears. My nerves sending signals to my brain. Trying to control my muscles with instincts, but I fight it as the pain becomes the focus of my brain. Making my body bend to my will. This might be why pain was so addictive. Others don't understand fighting yourself into submission. It's a battle that's never really won. It's a destructive path not feeling the second - twentieth slice. Feeling I must go deeper to feel the pain required. It's almost unattainable till you pass out. Then suddenly you reach bliss. This is what I wanted as my mind goes completely blank. Darkness is the only thing there. No thoughts just complete silence like non existence. Non existence is what freedom truly means to me. No longer able to feel the pain of the world. The world no longer knows my pain either. Everyone wins, but I decided a long time ago those dreams are over. So I suppose I will continue with my head in the clouds. Puffing making clouds enjoying the site. Of something with no mind, no living existence, most of all no pain. Such lucky clouds drifting with the wind. As my ashes shall one day be those thoughts are pleasant to me.
