Comments : A Town Leaks

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    First off, I liked the title as it didn't specifically give away the tragedy or name the event. "Leak" is more of a subtle word in my mind, so it made me think that the town is losing its identity or slowly fading away.

    I learned a lot from this poem as I don't think I was aware of the flood, or read about it on the news.

    I also liked how you split the stanzas up and how consistent the format was.

    "The oceans wave dances in horrid tunes,"
    - "oceans" should be "ocean's" or you could make wave plural.
    - the idea of the waves dancing in "horrid tunes" is intriguing here and personifies the ocean well. It creates more drama and suspense. Like you can see a horrible tragedy unfold with this movement and with its sounds.

    "living hundreds without harbour in melancholy,
    others yell as arrays of corpses are lying scanty."
    - "living" should be "leaving" here
    - also, wanted to make a suggestion about the wording of this second line. It reads a bit awkward, just in the way of placement. I feel like the verbs are weaker here. Saying the corpses are "lying scanty" isn't really an action and I feel weakens the effect and shock of all the bodies presiding there. Just a suggestion though.

    You have a very unique voice, it's precise and thoughtful. There were only a few places I noticed where you might benefit (my opinion though) from extra punctuation, or not even a comma, but a dash to change it up, just so when reading the meaning or transition to thought is clear and lucid. I think a good example is in the last two stanzas; it's a bit of a mouthful when read aloud.

    You get the message across so well, truly showing the reader and not just describing. The atmosphere is dismal and makes my heart go out to this people and village.

  • 10 years ago

    by -Choke-On-MY-Halo-

    Beautiful and the personification is perfect really enjoyed reading this piece my dear