Over and over again in my head , I run through what happened.
My lungs turn to stone
Afraid they might shatter, I stop breathing.
It starts at my feet, next I feel it in my hands.
It's not long until my whole body is infested with non-existent bugs.
I can feel them move up my limbs and to my face,
meanwhile my boyfriend assures me they are not real.
Because of you, I've gone insane.
For years I lived with so many dirty secrets.
So many names I could never tell,
so many faces I would never be able to identify.
But you.
I see you when I go out with my friends.
A date night at the movies turns into a game of "hide-and-for-love-of-god-pray-he-doesn't-seek".
Because of you, I pray to a porcelain god.
It doesn't matter how low the number on the scale,
I will never be good enough.
So I shove two fingers back in my throat,
forcing out a life source.
The one thing that could keep me healthy, keep me alive,
and I don't think I deserve it.
Some days, you're nothing but a bad day in court
nothing but a case number
nothing but sex offender
Other days, what you did to me consumes my memory,
Keeps me up at night and has me flinching at my own boyfriends touch.
He doesn't understand why it's so hard for me accept love.
He doesn't understand why I spend every second of everyday worrying,
"When will he leave me?".
My love for him is often mistaken for infatuation,
but this is wrong.
Love is putting someone before yourself.
Love is wanting them with you so bad, but letting them sleep through the night anyway.
Love is a cup of tea and their favorite cartoon.
Love is NOT asking a little girl to take off her shirt.
It's not telling her that you're the only one who will ever care for her.
manipulation,
dumbass, you tricked her
dedication,
dumbass tried to kiss her
you tried to knock her down but you missed her ,
now she worries for her little sister.
wondering which men in her life might try the same thing
She knows how it goes, a little girl who just wants to sing.
So she joins the band to lead worshipping.
Whatever could happen she thought jesus would hold it.
The "whole world in his hands", is proven bullshit.
She isn't sure exactly how to let go.
because he didn't walk away when she tried to say no.
I made a mistake, and let that man tell me who I was.
So I'm just gonna have to forgive me.
but I refuse to believe that it's wrong to seek safety in other people.
Borderline Personality Disorder, attachments, boundaries;
they are all just words in a neat manilla folder gathering dust in a filing cabinet.
Love is an energy, love is sensed, love is strong.
And so am I
