I wouldn't think a grown man would resort to exclamation points in late night emails, but I'm glad you did. Not to mention capitalizing certain words that shamelessly signal to me you're excited, and that we have something in common.
Sometimes, the irrational side of my mind convinces me that you don't care enough. That you won't read behind my smile or go out of your way when I tell you I'm not safe here, alone.
I need to start remembering... how frantic I became. How you didn't hush me. How you listened to my words spill and spit and sob. How my voice was like a shrieking willow tree who was not a child yet mourned for days when her spirit wasn't dead.
For the first time, you spoke up with determination. You broke through my self-hatred and urged me that I am "anything but worthless". I've never heard such passion in your voice before, unless we were talking about bell towers and cathedrals under construction.
Though you haven't called to ask, though you keep thoughts to yourself, I know you are a foundation when the storms weather me.
And I must remember, everyday.
Otherwise, emotions will dramatically tug and my mind will be inches away from a volcano that screams "he doesn't really care."
I must remember, sometimes the silence doesn't mean there is an absence.
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Written 6/28/14 @ 8:27 PM
Really needed to write and finally could do so tonight :]
