Comments : Granddad's New Home

  • 10 years ago

    by BlueJay

    She tiredly tucks her son beneath
    the warm blankets of his bed,
    before gently sitting beside him
    and softly wiping his tears away.

    ^ This was an interesting introduction. It created a tone right off the bat but it didn't give any of the story away. The first line sounds so good being read aloud and I don't think you could have worded it any more perfectly. You really created a scene here that I could feel myself as a fly on the wall watching or an audience member at the movies (I am not good at imagining so scenes being this clear is my way of complementing you :P )

    This lonely mother carries a double burden:
    a mother's protection,
    and a grieving daughter's duty.

    ^ I like that this stanza is starting to tell more about the story, but using mother in both the first and second line is kinda distracting. The same word is too close to itself... maybe try a parent's protection instead?

    The child caresses his grandfather's
    watch; a city of gold resting
    in the palm of his tiny hand,

    ^ This is amazing. You gave the a look into the child's perspective instead of focusing entirely on the mother. This breaks the story up a little and makes it more visual. Thank you.

    and he listens intently
    as he begins to learn
    about a beautiful place
    called heaven.

    ^ this was a fantastic conclusion. It is a delicate way of describing that the grandfather/father has died and that even though it hurts or he will be missed he still is happy or at least has the possibility of being happy. I really like how you wrote this so calmly and not outright.

    Wonderfully written, despite its incredibly sad nature.

  • 10 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Thank you for the suggestion, that was annoying me but I never thought of changing it to parent!

    Thanks!