Comments : Should I say it?
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10 years agoby ddavidd
You made me weep
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10 years ago
by Everlasting
Sorry about that. This is one of those pieces that I hold dear.
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10 years ago
There are times that repetition creates a strong emphasis on a central theme; there are other times that it seems more like the rat-a-tat of a woodpecker. You have a double-repetition here and it tends toward the latter. If you bracket out all but the final stanza of "should" phrases, I think your poem stands on its own, much stronger and clearer without the pedagogical stance.
Also, by eliminating the should phrases and leaving the repetitive phrase "yet you look younger" (without the question marks) the poem builds cleaner to your contrary statement at the end.
In the third and fourth stanzas you change persons. Are you still referring to the same individual? If so, "his" should be "your." If not, there should be something to identify the other person.
The final stanza is a bit of a problem. Too many question marks distracts and seems stilted. One suggestion I might make is to refit it into a drawn out sentence:
Should I?
Should I say it:
that you still look
younger,
or that you, too,
are getting older,
dear Brother?-
10 years ago
by Everlasting
Thank you mr Larry. I'm actually in a huge debate. I feel the questions marks are an important reminder of how I need to recite this piece. Otherwise, I forget that in each stanza, with the questions marks, is asking permission to say soemthing that the narrator is in doubt and want reassurance...
If I removed the question marks, then when I go back to read it, I forget that there's doubt. And instead, when I read it, I change the tone completely into an affirming tone. In a similar way, that's why I feel the repetition of "should I?" And "Should I say it" It's needed. This piece is kind of like a conversation. I feel it should be read slow. In pauses. Though, It's hard for the reader to know that.
I can also see what you mean.
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