You talk about how hard it is to keep your love or feelings a secret.
You express how you long to feel "his" kiss or touch.
You dream of what it's like to sleep next to "him" at night.
How painful it becomes to keep yourself from saying the things you want to say.
How hard it is to keep yourself from dreaming about "him", making you turn into an insomniac because "hes" all you can think about.
The curiosity of if he is attracted to you keeps eating at you.
You explain how hard it is.
You explain that its the worst feeling.
But would it be worse to know?
Would it be worse to feel his kiss?
Would it be hard to lay next to him at night and fall asleep?
What if you can express in detail what "his" body feels like against yours.
What if it's a worse feeling to know that he is attracted to you...
..... But you can't do, or say anything about it.
What if you still have to keep it a secret.
It's worse.
It's worse to feel it, and know it, and experience everything about "his" body, and mind. And you still have to hide your emotions.
Because you're just friends.
You notice the small things, about which type of gum he favors, to his favorite candy, or how he cracks half a smile when he's feeling witty and a huge smile when he's genuinely happy.
You learn to know him well enough that you can pin point when he starts staring at you as you walk away.
You learn what facial expressions he's making through text messages when he's not even in front of you.
You start to fall for the flaws...
That is hard.
But what if he's in love with someone else... his girlfriend, fiance, or even wife.
It's worse to know and experience everything with "him" but you can't be called "his" girl.
You can't hold hands in public, or kiss in front of people.
Everything has to be behind closed doors and in secret.
And what if YOU yourself are taken? What if you are dating, engaged, or even married?
That's worse.
You don't want to risc the life you've already chosen with the man you are already with.
Or do you.
Would you?
What if you would just throw it away, and start over with "him".
But would you risk the friendship with him? Would you risk losing the benefits?
The experiences?
......... Would "he"?
Secrets are hard, painful, unbearing...
Fear of rejection centers everything.
Falling in love with "him", who's just a friend, with benefits.
That is the worst thing. Or the best?
But "he" holds the outcome,... and yet you can't reveal the secret.
