Redneck Halloween

Redneck Halloween
By Mark Spencer

The end of October is here
I really hate this time of year
It's when them dang goblins come out
And I find them lurking about

But they 'bout as dumb as they come
I never seen nothing so dumb
You don't even need to set traps
'Cause goblins will not shut their yaps

They think they can fool me with lies
They come to my door in disguise
They each bring a bag for their loot
Then ask me for candy to boot

But I give em moonshine instead
It makes em go light in the head
Then I watch them stumble and shout
Before the whole lot passes out

My neighbors best be on their guards
They's hundreds face down in their yards
Some goblins might lay there all night
By mornin' they been known to bite

They'll wake up hung over and sick
In yards that're crawlin' with ticks
And then they'll all just disappear
They won't come around fer a year

But somehow the ticks stick around
And you won't believe where they're found
All over the neighborhood kids
They're parents are flippin' they're lids

Them goblins done gone way too far
The kids are all covered in scars
Collateral damage I guess
For stoppin' this whole goblin mess

An' no one seems to know but me
I'm the only one who can see
The goblins invading this town
All dressed up like fairies and clowns

Next year I'll give them chocolate bark
Least that's what they'll see in the dark
I'll mix with the chocolate I give
A nice extra strength laxative

Them Goblins won't know what to do
The town'll be covered in poo
And the town folk might thank me then
Fer savin' their keisters again