Comments : Unseen Sea

  • 10 years ago

    by Everlasting

    I can hear the beat! This piece may benefit with some editing. There were a few lines that made me pause. Some extra words got on the way of eyes. They felt like tiny rocks that hit me hard. I was about to cry, but then I found my way through the lines, and until then I started to feel the rhythm. The rhythm this piece has. I love that.

    Well done.

    Edit:
    Example of a line that I felt had extra words:

    "You're like a tornado in my thine eye."

    ^ my thine? Wouldn't it be either or those two? My or thine?

  • 9 years ago

    by Bonaventure Onuabuchi

    The emblence here sounds sad feelings, owing to the lost of an E-friend. I love the contradiction set in this lines "..... The wetness of pain, the severe drought. You are like a tornado...... Keep the pen alive my friend.