Comments : Intuition I

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    It's neat how each stanza is four lines than the ending is three and reads with a gentle tone. "Unchain me like a melody" is chilling, love that line!

    A few suggestions to tie your poem tighter. Up to you though. With the first stanza:

    "Heated sheets are torn apart
    The witching hour has dawned
    let the frail hearted depart
    to the edge of Heaven's seashore."

    First line: You could take out "are" and write "Heated sheets, torn apart" or "Heated sheets- torn apart".

    Third line: "frail hearted" should be "frail-hearted"?

    The image of "Heaven's seashore" is lovely, and makes me think of Heaven as this endless sea that I cannot even fathom crossing.

    "Sleep evades the troubled mind
    as questions dance joyously
    about things better left behind
    but they conquered me mysteriously."

    - I find this stanza to be a bit too vague? Maybe you could actually write down the questions... also the transition to the last line seems sudden, what things conquered you? I'm not sure if "mysteriously" works here either.

    "sober and lighten my anchored words?"

    - This is another one of my favorite lines! "Anchored words" has a certain punch to it, and I can imagine your words dangling from your mouth as you try to pull them in perhaps to save you. Lots of depth in that line.

    Enjoyed the read.

    • 9 years ago

      by Dancing Rivers

      Thanks Mary-Anne!!!I appreciate your taking the time to read and comment on my poem.I'll fix the errors I in the first stanza :-)it's interesting that you felt the next stanza to be very vague and that mysteriously doesn't quite work,I actually struggled to accept this stanza myself, and even though I could live with the vague atmosphere of the stanza,I couldn't live with the word mysteriously, it feels like I'm eating a delightful strawberry cheesecake only to find it has a coffee centre, in other words, it's just all wrong, it's hideous and disgusting and indigestible, but I really don't know what ingredient to add to make this the perfect creamy delight it should be, do you have any suggestions?(sorry about all three food metaphors, I'm rather a bit of a foodie and amateur cook and I've discovered it's a passion, along with ironing ha ha :-P

  • 9 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    I like this - it has a melodic flow to it and the first stanza is excellent. The rhythm of the poem reminds me a little of how I write, don't know whether you agree with that.

    • 9 years ago

      by Dancing Rivers

      I absolutely agree, weird how we have similar styles and content