Sweet Dreams

by PineappleKing   Dec 5, 2014


We laid there in a bed of passion
whispering sweet nothings in each others ears,
for hours it went completely unbroken content.
When the beautiful stars were reflected in your eyes
we both knew it was time to go back to a land
where we rule. You laid your head on my chest
and nodded off quickly but I was soon to follow, and
before the calming darkness claimed me I heard from your sweet lips a single word mumbled,
that word I will never forget...

cupcakes

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Latest Comments

  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Not that it was bad before, but nice job with the updating and reworking a little bit. I like the way it reads a little bit easier now and how you added more emphasis (therefore sharing your heart a little more) to some places giving the piece a little flavor if you will.

    Nice job!

  • 9 years ago

    by Naughtymouse

    Nice writing dude, as the others said you could do with some commas and periods just to break it up a little, on the whole though, great write.

    I liked your use of language, if you don't mind a tip, especially with love poems, use commas or periods when what you've just said needs to stick, it will give your writing so much more gravity :)

    I hope you don't mind the comment, just some friendly advice is all :)

    • 9 years ago

      by PineappleKing

      Its highly appreciated dude and no harm done. Thanks for the comment, I was typing my mind and I kinda forgot everything about writing!

  • 9 years ago

    by kitten

    Maddy told me about your little dream, she enjoyed hearing of it so much. I cant believe she got you to write something

  • 9 years ago

    by Mayday

    Cupcakes?? :D
    Oh my goodness, this is so sweet. (:
    I like it.

  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    For being your first piece here this is really, really well written. I think that you could do with some capitalization or periods, but otherwise, it is really well penned. The story line is completely there. The tone is clear and loving, your voice shines through beautifully and your flow isn't bad at all.

    4/5 and welcome to poems and quotes.

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