Comments : Deep Love

  • 9 years ago

    by Sam

    First off, I want to thank you for the comment on my poem. I have been meaning to comment on yours, but I have been a little slow these past few days. Thank you again.

    I have noticed that you writing style is quite different than from what I am normally used to reading. I don't really know if it is the way that I am reading it or not...it might be.

    Humans sink deep in love
    When they fall into;
    Just as an unconscious body sinks
    gently deep in the sea.
    It travels far down sans any fear of aquatic animals;
    So as the loving pair walks holding each others hand.

    ^ I have noticed that you use the word "sans" a lot; it is in almost every poem that I have read of yours, so I was interested to know what the word means. I looked it up, and I discovered that it means "to go without." I am interested in knowing how you came to use that word...because I do not think that I have ever heard it, except for maybe in an English class. I guess I don't get around as much as I thought that I did :/

    Fronting all troubles while enjoying the love
    Their emotions are as strong as lion's roar.
    Some reaches to the end together;
    But some pair departs in the middle
    The pain of departure is just like,
    As a soul leave a body.

    ^ I have a few suggestions for this piece. I would put "a" after as in the second line so that it reads "as a lion's roar" and in the third line I would put it so that it reads "Some reach the end together" and then in the fourth "But some pairs depart in the middle" and then have the sixth line as "A soul leaving a body."
    ~~~~~
    Crush is always so energetic,
    Courageous, close and full of belief,
    It's beyond of all kind of emotions.
    Some even waits for their love to return,
    That proves how strong the emotions of crush are.
    It's a part of everyone vitality.
    It's a domain where we feel more alive.
    It's a sea of pureness;
    In which all wishes to sink very deep.

    ^ For some more suggestions, I would change it so that it reads:

    Crushes are always so energetic,
    Courageous, close, and full of belief,
    They're beyond all kinds of emotion.
    Some even wait for their love to return,
    That proves how strong the emotion of crushes are.
    It's a part of everyone's vitality.
    It's a domain where we feel more alive.
    It's a sea of pureness;
    In which all wishes to sink very deep.

    Anyway, this is just how I would have written the poem, so I am just giving you advice. I am not that good at grammar/english, so I also might be wrong in some places. This is your poem, and it is your choice to do with it as you see fit. You have a very interesting way of writing, and so I am interested in seeing what you have to give.

    I think this poem is a very good one, kind of like a beginner's guide to deep love. Very interesting, so keep up the work :)

    Thank you for commenting on my poem once again.

    ~S