Feelings

by Augustus Black   Dec 14, 2014


There's a sweet girl
Who lives very far!
I can't define in words
How gorgeous you are!
~~~~~
I am falling very deep in your love,
More deeper than the Pacific Sea.
You are my elf sent from above.
Sans you I feel as a leafless tree.
~~~~~
You are ruling my mind,
And my affable heart,
I can find you anywhere, even if I am blind,
Never let you to be apart.
~~~~~
I often meet you in my dreams,
I feel you, I touch you.
I hug you very tight.
This all occurs
Under the moon's silver light.
~~~~~
I wish I could meet you someday,
For you I will bring a white rose.
Oh! My god! Thinking what would you say?
Then I would get to you very close
And closing my eyes I would kiss your forehead gently.

-Augustus Black
Date - 7th April 2014

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  • 9 years ago

    by Greeter

    The feelings are there.

    On this stanza:

    There's a sweet girl
    Who lives very far!
    I can't define in words
    How gorgeous you are!

    If you notice, this stanza starts by saying there's a sweet girl, who lives very far... I can't define in words... <-- those lines are speaking to the reader. Then the following line, "how gorgeous you are!" can throw the reader off. Now with that last line, you are not speaking to the reader per se, you are speaking to the girl. I'm not sure how to explain it. The change fell abrupt.

    I feel it may need a few more lines or an edit to make that line fit in that stanza.

    Something like:

    There's a sweet girl,
    who lives very far,
    I can't define in words
    how gorgeous she is,
    If ever wondered
    that girl is you

    ^ this doesn't sound good, it loses the rhythm, However, I am just throwing something for the sake of giving an example. I'm sure you can come up with something better and that fits the poem.

    The rest of the stanzas were good. I feel the love in the words.

    Keep writing.

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