no secrets anymore,
blood falling falling falling
from balconies
- we don't have halos -
we are not angels angels angels
we have angles, our hearts
jagged
jarred
inside.
never
escaping,
never
releasing
truth
from soul's
captivity.
- wait for me, wait for me -
answer my call
even in the middle of the night
stop/ listen/ please.
(2).
it's destroying me;
what is it?
it is flesh and it
pridefully devours
skin,
whispers to
bones,
gathers them
at dusk to set them
aflame.
it bleeds within;
it prescribes me
misery;
it paints me
crimson
over each avenue
of my wilting
body.
(3).
could simply pretend that nothing of the sort happened, ever.
how easy, to sink into oblivion. how it would hurt in the end though,
of course it would, it would be foolish to think being blinded
through denial or ignorance is the best path in this world.
because it's not, it's just not.
it doesn't matter that i'll see you in the morning, or in the afternoon,
or tomorrow night. you won't visit me on your own, unless i am in
my sick bed and death begins to braid my hair as i succumb to dreams.
all i want is for you to hail through my clouds, storm through my
brigades, break down the front door and take away all that tries
to hurt me - myself. but you won't barge in, unless i ask you to.
and i can't, how weak, how selfish, how thoughtless, how silly
i would be when you have your own life to live...
am i holding you back?
do you, do you think of me when you are at home, the phone
on your nightstand, wondering if i'll need you again at midnight.
do you pray for me each night? because i pray for you, but i don't
think you know that, do you?
please be near. please don't forget me.
(i could never forget you.)
(4).
i need to cease these writings
dedicated to you.
this is not good;
it's not healthy to rely
on you,
for you are only
human.
(5).
let me fall drip drip drip like rain that isn't rain.
water streaming from nozzles but i didn't start
this fire, my ire wasn't aimed at you--from crib
to sky those stars you placed burned without passion--
(6).
desperate, desperate dear
i'm deadly
for you -
(7).
let me slit you -
my breath
soothing
your troubles,
your muscles
relaxed
into me.
don't you
worry about
cleaning
the river of
ruby
for it will
warm your
soul.
you need
me to
live
again.
(8).
i won't fight with you, anymore. i must scream goodbye,
cut all ties but baby there's nothing that sharp allowed
near me. don't call for me, i know you can't possibly
solve anything. i know these tears can't be stopped
by you. i know these tilting sorrows can't be
anchored by you.
-
Firstly, this was a sort of experiment. I found saved on Word a packet of freewrites from this past October. I did minimal editing as these were "in the moment" poems and feelings, so I didn't want to clean too much and take away my true emotions. I wrote the last few parts more recently. Secondly, my perspective switches a few times. In the beginning, the "you" is a certain person in my life who knows my secret, then later I personify the secret, and finally confront it as I don't want it to control me anymore. Also, the "i"s were intentional. Thanks for reading.
