Half Woven Sunshine (Diminished Hexaverse)

by Meme   Jan 27, 2015


Dragging his snow-kissed skin
along unpaved darkness,
his burden was the one
true company he had.
Even the light has left
him when he was in need.

I wished he could be
touched by the golden
strands surrounding me,
for another sun
to find him like me.

In his haunted
eyes I found a
glimpse of home, a
place without him.

His darkness
altered my
shades of light.

He strayed,
I stayed

still.

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© Copyright 2015 by: gIrL
-------------------------------

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Latest Comments

  • 9 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    The first of your poems I have ever read, and an ideal one at that. I went in skeptical, as I always do-- so many people wish to write, but so few have the heart to do so. I can tell you have the heart.

    I would offer up some advice on how to make it better, but there's really not much more to say. I will say one thing. The 5-Syllable verse is a bit harder to get through than the others. Maybe your wording is adjusted severely so-as to make the stringent syllable requirement, but it really takes the reader (at least, me) out of the world the first verse enveloped me into.

    Well done, Meme,

    5/5
    V/r
    IdTakeABulletForYou
    (Stephen)

    • 9 years ago

      by Meme

      Thank you so much for your comment and your advice.
      Much appreciated :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Giggles, I hexalove you too <3

  • 9 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Currently, I am watching a TV series called Grimm with my Husband, and a few of the characters are a beast called Hexa Beasts... the form is named very similar, so I am now calling this the Hexabeast poem! Very random, and doesn't really pertain to the poem, but I thought it would make you smile by me sharing that with you!

    The form is elegant, and the message is edgy and yet classy... which is one I truly was drawn to.. I nominated this piece because by gawd you made me speechless, which is why I'm truly rambling within this comment, and yet again, I know you don't mind.. smile for me, hugs you!

    • 9 years ago

      by Meme

      You are hexaamaaaazing. And I hexalove you and your comments. You always make me smile :)
      Thank you!

  • 9 years ago

    by Sunshine

    OH MY GOD! Meme this is amazing, and touching, and it's very hard to believe it's a form poem.

    It wormed into my heart and emotions line by line. I felt as if it was written for me at one point, it did feel personal.

    I loved your strong mixture of words and your warm touch in between.
    This poem felt natural and easy-going, as if it was effortlessly written, it flowed so well.

    Excellent poem!

    • 9 years ago

      by Meme

      Thank you hon :*

  • 9 years ago

    by GB

    Excellent piece, you have mastered this format and followed a very challenging syllable count, I do admire the work you came up with and I wish I was able to nominate.
    Oh, there are some fascinating images you enriched this writing with, a great employment of metaphor indeed.

    But I do have one point to mention, if you don't mind. Sometimes the excessive sue of pronouns can weaken the piece, that's why better to avoid such trap easily.

    Check this:
    ~His darkness
    altered my
    shades of light.

    >Such darkness
    altered my
    shades of light.

    And for those who might not be oriented with "Diminished hexaverse", it's always enlightening to add an explanation.
    Thank you for sharing, it's pretty fantastic read.

    • 9 years ago

      by Meme

      Thanks a lot for your comment :)

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