Comments : Lies

  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    She smiles
    She laughs
    She loves
    She lies

    ^ This is a great introduction. I like the simplicity and use of repetition. your piece feels a little long though, so maybe if you turned this into two lines and the following stanza into two lines as well, you're length would flow well enough not to notice how incredibly long it is... if that makes sense without sounding too rude.

    Bit your lip
    Clench your hand
    Hold your words
    Keep your mask

    ^I like the idea here, how you are reminding yourself or her how to stay in one piece without dragging the other down. Stay in character so the show can continue sort of thing. I like it.

    Keep it together
    Don't let it get to you
    It was a white lie
    Even though you caught her

    ^Now we're getting to the story. The conflict begins and the hurt in your tone is beginning to settle in.

    Even though it doesn't matter
    It still hurts
    It breeds doubt
    You can no longer trust

    ^I like the way you worded this one. I'm not sure why, but it really clarifies the tone and it seems to leave more of an impact than you realize.

    Slowly you don't know anymore
    Whether she's lying
    Whether she's not
    Whether if she loves

    ^ Maybe if you added a colon after anymore, this stanza would stand out a little more and do itself some justice. I like that you're bringing the repetition back. Like you're letting the pain of your situation, the power of each detail really sink in. GREAT!

    You can't take it anymore
    You build your courage
    You trust her to do the right thing
    But it falls apart

    ^Punctuation would really bring this piece to life, but this stanza especially. Otherwise, I love this one. It's so honest.

    You catch her again
    This time it's not a white lie
    You see her talking to another guy
    Her "best friend"

    ^I feel like this should either be removed or reworked. It feels a little awkward and unnecessary.

    You think nothing of it
    "So what" you think
    "Only best friends" you continue
    You see it happen

    ^here's your viewpoint, a look deeper into your mind. I like that you included this so well. Nice job.

    You can't believe it
    You think your eyes are lying to you
    You doubt yourself
    "I'm dreaming" you say

    But your not
    It's too late
    You've seen it
    You've seen them kiss

    ^I lumped this stanza and the one before it together for this part of my comment becuase I feel that they would make much better sense if they were together. Making one slightly longer stanza like I mentioned at the beginning. By doing something like that, you will have a more impacting leadin to your next stanza.

    Your stomach knots up
    Your legs feel like jello
    Your eyes are rivers flowing
    You run, run as fast as possible

    ^I love the imagery here. I love how you are going to such great lenghts to get your pain across. Wonderfully expressed.

    Away from the truth
    Away from everything
    Don't stop
    Keep running

    Days later
    You ask
    She lies
    You feel despair sit in

    ^Again, by merging these stanzas you get a greater impact. but Either way, they say a lot, they keep the pain moving and the story going. Nicely done.

    You lie to yourself
    You try to make light of it
    But you can't keep running
    You stand up and face the truth

    ^Great! Although honestly, I would have done one of two things if i were you. Ended the piece here. or done some other sort of seperation. This piece is SO long the way it is currently set up, you need something more to make it stand out. To keep readers reading - if you want them to that is. . .

    You ask her again
    She lies again
    You tell her what you saw
    She lies telling you it didn't happen

    ^ Everything from here down could be its own piece. It would be a very well done piece as well. But since you have it included with the rest of this: The every other line rep is great. The slowly gathering strength til the end of the stanza is very well done. And I'm still craving some punctuation here to make it pop, but I understand that that is fully your decision.

    You leave
    Can no longer bear the sight
    You hope she calls out to you
    Tell you it won't happen again

    ^This screams to me. Everyone has been on one side of this situation if not both at some point in their life. It's relateable. IT's stunning. Its understandable. Great job of identifying your audience with yourself.

    She doesn't
    She lets you walk away
    Further, further, further
    You turn around and find nothing

    ^Great build up to your ending. I love the way your stanza mimics the scene in the way it is set up. LOVE IT!

    Yet again you put your trust in them
    And yet again the took it
    And again the tore it up <the should be they
    And you pick it up and walk away

    ^PErfect conclusion. Amazing way of tying it back to the beginning (If anyone remembers the beginning by now lol).

    Very well written piece Reece. And If you'd like me not to comment on technique, let me know for future reference. However, I will definitely continue to read your work. You've got a lot of skill kiddo.