How it could be

Some say that everything happens for a reason. That our destinies are bound by some fate. I'd like to believe that. Maybe I just want to blame some divine force for being so drawn to him. I guess part of me always knew that he was toxic, but I didn't even try to protect myself...I don't know when I fell for him, or if it was ever really love at all. It must have been the pictures I painted, of how it could be...how HE could be. I had known him for as long as I could remember, he was my best friend. And although he had often said otherwise, I don't really think that I was ever his. And that hurt. But when I think of him now, it's like a conflicting battle inside me, I tell myself that he is bad for me, that I should stay away. And then I remember how happy he made me...I'm holding on to these memories. But that's all they are...memories, distant moments which I long to return to...