Comments : 2:55 a.m. April 15th

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I like your structure in this. It's easygoing and has a smooth flow.

    "Lonely I feel"

    - I think this sounds a bit awkward. Maybe it could work if you wrote, "Lonely, I feel lonely". I do like how you inverted the normal structure though since most people may write "I feel lonely".

    "2:55 in the morning
    and nothing is real"

    - I always like when poets give specifics, such as the time here. And how you are noting that everything seems like an illusion, reality is so far.

    "Craving human touch
    Is that wrong?
    Am I asking too much?
    The future
    is uncertain
    I never meant to be a burden"

    - Very honest thoughts in this and I like how simple these questions are, yet they hold depth. The simple desire to crave another's touch, to be held perhaps. That innocence in not wanting to be a burden, in being scared even of what's to come.

    "Anxiety screws me
    Harder than him
    I am a faulty light bulb
    Slightly dim
    You're the blue of the ocean
    I am flirting with you
    With the tiniest notion"

    - These read to me almost like lyrics. The metaphors are thought-provoking, and that image of you being a light-bulb, close to burning out, is strong.

    "Am I so wrong
    For feeling so sad?
    It seems like years
    Since I've spoken to dad
    I'm kind of a mess
    You can watch me
    Slowly undress
    Underneath
    Lies my soft pale skin
    Touch me everywhere
    Let's create lovely sin"

    - This poem kind of reminds me of a freewrite where you just write down memories and desires and what's really on your mind without thinking too heavily on it. The mention of your dad here adds a weight to the poem, and that sadness that you are going through, questioning, wondering if this is what you'll be. Maybe distracting yourself with something that will take your mind off, something daring, exciting, this lovely sin?

    I love what you did with the ending and the spacing. It is raw and shows and puts emphasis on how you aren't sure where this will go. You don't feel you can escape or climb out of this "black hole".

    Near the end though, "sooths" should read "soothes".

    Welcome to PnQ, by the way. Keep writing!

    • 9 years ago

      by DanceDevonDance

      Awww thank you for your input. I smiled hard it touched me to know that someone is actually taking the time to analyze my poem and give me feed back(: