I still think you're beautiful

If I could erase my memory, believe me id do it without a quick stall,
If I could give myself a concussion, id be running straight to a brick wall

I'm swerving in and out of roads, barely could drive,
Drinking and driving feeling barely alive,
Trying to find a wall to crash in, hoping I'd barely survive
Hospitalized alone, cause you'd be busy cheating.. Probably barely arrive

An elevation of emotion, that cant be evaporated,
Every time it goes down, you seem to just exasperate it,
Love me or not, seems like you not the gambling type,
Just here to hurt my soul, just the damaging type

So I'm rambling, trampling, scrambling, trying to hold on,
To something good to wipe this pain, but the pain goes on ,
Feeling deflated, berated, castrated and abated,
Hard pill to swallow, i'm choking on pain and I hate it

You caused it, you created, a pain so marinated,
If you digested my pain, you'd barf and regurgitate it,
I'm a mess, I know I hate it, pain so underrated,
Cause i'm 2 steps from wondering, through the night if ill make it,

A pitiful imbecile with minimal mental, lurking with my typical sinister cynical thoughts,
Trying to get drunk, but the only thing in my house is weak pinnacle shots,

Do you know what its like to be afraid to blink. Afraid of the image you see
A drunk broad at a party, cheating, a thought so visually.... Perfect
That its worthless, to even get it out of your head, its permanently imprinted,
Don't worry about me and my pain.. I invited him in, believe it, I insisted.. I'm twisted.

I thought I knew pain. And though it hurts, I always thought it would never sustain
But you proved me wrong, taught me pain is a reign that remains in your brain and you become addicted.
I am addicted to pain. My body rarely knows what it's like to feel without it, and though you may doubt it, if you ever took a look deep enough in my eyes it's not hard to see.
My cocky attitude is just because of the pitiful reflection of me.

I used to hold on to the word HOPE. 'Cause I thought it meant Hold On Pain Ends,
But pain never ends, so I surround myself and start to Name. Friends, But no one is ever here for me, so then Pain. Sends, I try to fight it back but Pain. Bends. It's just a never ending war.

This pain is like,

Drowning in the clear blue water with just enough length to still reach your hand, not giving up yet though,
And then watch your distorted face from the waters, release your grip from my hand and let go,
The unshakable pain from being released from you, knowing I am seconds away from my death,
Could have killed me right there, but I only fought another second so that I'd see you on my last breath.

This pain is like, feeling the sharp and jagged point of a blade run smoothly into my chest and heart,
Just to look my killer in the eyes and realize it's you, watching as my life falls apart,
A sick smile from your face as you watch me bleed out, a torment so irrefutable,
The sickest part of this all, is that as you'd walk away.. I'd still think you were beautiful..