Your gone and I miss u

This is hard to follow but I had to let it out. My moms been gone since November 14,2014

How do I do it every day I live without you. I have no choice. This is not a fight were we stop talking for a few days this is permanent your gone. You left me you left us all I swear I wish I would have spent more time with you wish I would have paid more attention to you. I wish I knew then what I know now. I could have got you help. I could have saved you. But I didn't I overlooked all your suffering. I should have opened my eyes. You never got to meet my son your very first grand son you won't ever meet any more of your grand children. You left me here just like my dad did. You both are gone I hardly knew him but I wanted to know him. Never really got the chance the timing was always off. But you had this man who you were with for as long as I can remember I thought he was so wonderful till the days following you being hospitalized he left u mom for that women and I didn't pay attention then because I thought it was fake I wanted him to be hurt and all I saw was nothing he was empty he left me just like you and dad did the only difference he had a choice he chose this women now it breaks my heart the man who raised me as his own the man who taught me so many things like climbing trees I was the best because of him but it seems he forgot all of that he forgot all the scrapped up knees the memories he just forgot me. he forgot that he used to come home after a long days work you would be stressed but he would calmly lay the blanket on me now if fall asleep I felt secure he was my security my protector my guardian and now he's not here every one has left me anyone who loved me seems to have drifted away. My brothers only call me when. Or if they need something never just to say hi. They are both turning into their father they are so rude and disrespectful they are him all over again. I hear that he's doing bad though that it's hard for him to breathe I know it's not good but I hope he suffers I don't want him to just go peacefully I want him to feel some pain I want to watch as he watched you I want to stand there and pretend I care only to walk away and not give a damn. I want to-do what he did but I can't do that I am not heartless therefore I would stand at his bedside with love and I would stay as long as I could because I do care. I may have learned things from him but I learned love from my mom and we both know love never dies. I feel like I did this to you because I signed those papers to remove all tubes anything keeping you alive I starved u I made it hard to breathe for 2 days you suffered because of me they told me you were brain dead I couldn't let you live a life of pain. Feeling like a burden I didn't want that for you I wanted you to wake up I wanted you to cry laugh squeeze my hand I begged and pleaded with you I even tried to make deals with you like it was gonna make you wake up but it didn't it only hurt worse watching Every day as you laid in that hospital bed with all those tubes down your throat I watched your body convulse I watched the strongest women ive ever known be helpless and lifeless. I watched as you were in pain I hated leaving the room it made me feel like I abandoned you. I think sometimes if I had given you more time would you have come back.? Would you have woke up.? Would things really be the way the doctors said.? I'll never know these answers and I'll never understand.