Lord Emsworth's Dilemma

It was pouring that morning
When a curious thought arose
In a monocled framed mind.
'What if I wore my d1ckey bow?'

"Yes, the paisley would do!"
He announced to himself
As he checked his reflection
on the back of a runcible spoon.

Sadness was like a plum,

...too soft!

Today his constitutional
Would take him into town,
Precisely, Blandings Market Street;
for this very day, was Market day!

He locked his door three times -
For the gas had to be, off, off, off!

In a centrally heated room
was his, Lady Isabella,
his machine, his...
You must understand that she was:
Unquestionably, loved, cherished
and maintained,
for, money was never an object.

She shone and glistened and gleamed.
She was:
An, 1956 Ariel Square 4
and...
The Garrard Sidecar was a blessing,
It was a cavernous Tardis!

Years back, after a rather successful
hunt he'd squeezed in prize Stag,
the head mounted high in his vestibule.

He stroked the choke with thumb and finger
One, two three...he turned, and, Vrrooom!
Lady Isabella purred like a frisky frog.
And smelt like sweet smoky honey

Silver edged clouds
gazed
.......o
.......w
.......n

Bike stand away and they were off
His cheeks shimmered with the rain
He glanced wistfully to his left
and wailed, "Empress, I am so sorry!"

No reply,

...just an utterance of a guttural 'grunt'.

Did she know, did she understand?..........................on Cloud Nine,
He thought wistfully to himself
Would she ever forgive him?
..................................................p there,
...............................................U

...she just might?

Whizzing now,

he lifted his legs skywards
As he rode through a shallow ford
Water divided away, like,
the River Jordan.

Blandings Lane gyrated
Past expectant lampposts,
and puddles of milky water,
on grey granite like cobblestones

He whistled a, brave gay refrain,
Chirruping, 'Singing in the rain'
As much for him as for his Empress
After all, they had shared great times.

He blinked and recalled:
The Champagne, rosettes
and the popping of flash bulbs

White light flickered

All at once he doubted himself.
Was this the right thing to do?
After all, 18 years of marriage...
Was this the right thing to do?

........................................e
..............................T...................a

revolved around the..STORM...c
............................................u
.....................................p

At his destination, he pulled to a
stop
his mind now clear.
She had to go - her time had come.
He recalled her mess, oh the mess!
And the manners, just, terrible, terrible!

Their true love made this so hard, that
his chest heaved, his wretched heart ached,
Tears rolled easily off his thickly waxed moustache,
like the rain he felt inside

*fog horn*

He blew hard into his handkerchief.

Right, this is it, now or never.
He opened the side car for her
She stepped out and they walked,
Attuned to one another's gait

After 5 minutes of small talk
The devastating deal was done
stooped over, he walked away,
alone.
wavering, shuffling...

The sky now wore the darkest clouds
As he journeyed, returning home.
A woeful hymn trickled from his lips
'What a friend we have in Jesus'

Optimism Yanks--D..o.om by the hand

He unlocked and opened the door
and stepped into his vestibule.
There stood his enigmatic wife,
holding a stunning pink piglet.

...After a moment,

she smiled sweetly.

He hugged them tightly and they kissed
Then they wiped each others eyes
"My darling Clarence, she whispered,
This one will be need to be trained

*Fanfare*

Yes, my dear, this little angel,
Empress of Blandings the second
will be the best Pig of any Manor.
With that the Empress belched,
and they all laughed until it was
time for tea.

:

The End

M. Moran
20.6.15
*revised 26.6.15*

I would like to thank:

1. The late great P.G. Wodehouse for the inspiration for this work: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empress_of_Blandings

2. Singing in the rain. When they made the film, specifically the scene 'Singing in the rain' they added milk to make the fake rain look impressive. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1ZYhVpdXbQ

3. Also, the fact that I now live in Emsworth: http://www.emsworthonline.co.uk/