Comments : I Wait

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Everyday, I see the same old faces.
    walk on the same paths and hallways."

    - I would suggest deleting the period from the first line since you are continuing your thought on the next line, then there won't be such an abrupt stop. Also, feel "walk down" would sound better since you can't walk "on" the hallways so to speak?

    "I see the same corners of these same worn out places."

    - I like how you repeated "same" to stress the monoity of life. The frustration of being stuck, not knowing what's next. That would be a horrible feeling.

    "Everyday I run in circles,
    Trapped and Heading nowhere.
    A little funny,
    A little sad.
    tears are falling.
    Dreams are dying.
    All I want is to be free.
    Everyday, I wait.
    Wait for the day that I'd feel better,
    Wait for the day that I'd heal and mend,
    Wait for the day that I'd no longer have to wait."

    - May I suggest a bit of formatting or different punctuation here? Just to stress certain parts or make them stand out:

    "Everyday, I run in circles,
    trapped and heading nowhere.
    A little funny - a little sad.
    Tears are falling - dreams, dying.

    All I want is to be free.

    Everyday, I wait.
    Wait for the day that I'll feel better,
    Wait for the day that I'll heal and mend,
    Wait for the day that I'll no longer have to

    wait."

    I also think this poem would benefit if you wrote it in stanzas, separating so not to be read as one long paragraph?

    Good expression in this though. I can feel your voice coming out in this and that plea to know and live and not have to go day to day with uncertainties.

    Keep writing.

    • 9 years ago

      by JB Guancia Dormido

      Thanks for the corrections. :) I do appreciate it. I'd watch out for those things the next time I am going to write. You see, I am a rookie, and I do need somebody to guide me every now and then. :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Bayan

    Loved itttttt.. !
    5/5