Comments : It's been four weeks, since we last did speak

  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    I think you did very well in making your point and in conveying your pain, but your use of syntax (verb and noun misplaced) could be reworked to make the flow/rhyme scheme a little more smooth.

  • 9 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    On the lapa floor, trying to my pain ignore.

    - I didn't feel this worked here, and think it would read much better if you had it as:

    trying to ignore my pain.

    This seems like a spit and post poem where you had all of this inside of you waiting to burst out, and you let it all go. It is clearly raw with emotion, and sad that the poem seems to be aimed at the one person who is meant to protect you and care for you, but yet in this case has caused a lot of pain.

    Powerful poem