Upon Love and Leaving.

We learn life lessons in the most interesting, strange, unconventional ways. What's worth it, what's not. The biggest realization comes when you least expect it. When you think it's the end, that you can't fathom feeling another way, than it hits you. Of course! You haven't seen it all yet. You're not supposed to know the way to go yet. You are allowed to stumble, fall, shatter, break then get back up again because everyone has struggled through the motions. You haven't tasted the depth of the ocean, only the bitter waves that come and go, never a sure foundation. But those waves will bring you closer to the truth. To your truth. To your shore, where you'll be able to stand on two feet and say, "this is my life, this is my time".

One person's way of understanding something may be through a laughable moment. Another, through what seems to be an endless tunnel of pain. People will disappoint you. Some, on purpose. Others, not meaning to. The expectations we carry can quickly turn into our poison. Why must we rely on someone to act and react a certain way when we don't want that weight on our own shoulders? Not letting go of unrealistic expectations is one way to dig your own grave. And you deserve more than trying to piece together two puzzles pieces, from different sets.

I never modeled my life like it was this grand exhibition to be tried by all. I was not an open book. Then he entered my life, and I became vulnerable to him. I don't regret any of it now. I used to, so much so that I scarred myself for believing I deserved to be heard. That my voice could be echoed through someone else. Yet, I learned from him. I learned, you can't force love, and just because love isn't reciprocated in the same way, it doesn't mean it won't someday. That you won't be happy. That you won't be etched in someone's heart the way you always dreamed of.

I loved, but didn't lose. I still love, but that doesn't mean it's over for me. This walk of life. It simply means it wasn't meant to be. And that is a hard conclusion to swallow, yet I feel it's the one I need to accept the most. He is not to blame. I am not to blame. There was never anything wrong with either of us. It just wasn't our time.

Love. Leaving. Some would declare them as opposites. I call them synonyms. They are far too often seen as bitter ends yet for me, they smile at each other as they understand their place. To love, you must sometimes learn to let go. To free yourself of the lie that you aren't worthy of love. To rekindle that love in yourself. To live your own life without the shadows that whisper of fantasies you ache over.

I will see love again. In this universe. In another heart. I am still a treasure. The world is waiting for me to start anew. To love again when it's right. To accept truth and realize that this will not determine

the end of me.

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Written 8/30/15

This was therapeutic for me to write. It's something I needed to write, something I needed to realize (without knowing I needed to).