I Love Someone

The first boy I gave myself to
Is now being investigated for murder.
I was 14,
And he 17.
He looks like a rat
And was always fond
Of questionably younger girls.

Now a 3-year-old girl
Will never start pre-school
And I will think of that anytime
I hear the word
"Virginity".

The first boy I thought I loved
Was born to be a soldier
And bought me my first pack
Of cigarettes.
Still 14,
But this one was 18.
He swore he'd marry me
In four years.

We only lasted 10 months;
Monsters who attacked
From five states apart.
Six years later,
He's never had a real relationship
And I keep thinking,
"I love someone."

The first boy whose heart I broke
Is still in love with me today;
Though he's now on a different continent.
He was one of my best friends
Who I kept the most secrets from
To "protect" him
And his big needy heart.

He was always too much for me,
And as hard as I tried,
I couldn't love him
The way he wanted me to.
We've only talked once this year.
He should be coming home soon.

The first boy I truly loved
Was my high-school-sweetheart.
He was six-foot-six,
Built like a beanpole,
And his brown eyes have a flower
Surrounding each pupil.
I thought I would marry him.
Two-and-a-half years in,
And he still feared commitment;
Though I was literally
His first.

Junior/Senior year of High School
Plus freshman year of college,
Multiplied by
I will love you forever
I will never leave you
I love you more
I don't know what I'd do without you,
Divided by
Insult
Insult
Insult
Shove
Scream
Cry
Equals two young people
Who don't belong together
Because they're toxic.

Fourteen months later,
And I still dream of him
And I still check his social media
And I still think of him regularly
And sometimes I think I miss him
And I love *him*
The person I remember him as.

The first man I loved
Was twelve years my senior.
19 and 31.
An alcoholic
Who still lived at home.
He never had fully sober days.
He also couldn't make love to me,
Because the alcohol wouldn't let him.
He was drunk when he broke up with me,
Then wanted a hug.
I still think he's a great guy,
But I don't want to drown with him.

The man I swear to be my soulmate
Is a recovered drug addict
And works at least
70 hours per week.
We worked together for two years
In high school.
It only took us ten days
And three years
To fall in love.
It only took him two weeks
Of 70 hour weeks
To realize he couldn't make it work.
Couldn't keep disappointing me.
Couldn't keep his eyes open.
Couldn't let debt happen.
He made the logical choice.

We talk daily
And I hope
We still love each other
Once he can make it work.

The woman I consider my entity
Is also my best friend.
She's the biggest mess of a person I know,
Right after me.
Fifteen years
Of living ironically matching lives
Have left us dependent
And too comfortable.

We wear each other's handwriting
on our collarbones:
"Just Breathe".

No matter how many people
I think I love,
She will never be questioned.

5,
30,
189,
Or 8,058 miles
I will always know
I love someone
And she loves me too.