Comments : Blood stained regrets

  • 9 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Hello,

    This is really good...

    Title: Blood stained regrets
    ^
    Alliteration and a title that prepares the reader for darkness...

    One drop
    ^
    Instantly this one drop paints a picture for me of a drop of blood. Somehow defining it as one single drop adds power to this image...

    for my broken dreams.
    ^
    Okay, the blood is for dreams: We dream of things we wish for and want to accomplish, so the blood is the regret for not fulfilling those dreams, right?

    Two
    ^
    This is super, one more drop adds suspension and tightens the feeling of tension. Excellent!

    for my darkened soul
    ^
    So here we have a soul, a darkened one. How does it become that way? By her dreams always falling and not being realised. This will slowly eat away at any soul and darken it. Good description.

    three drops
    ^
    The 3rd drop again adds tension to an already emotionally charged scene. I am not sure you need the word 'drop' here. A quick scan of the poem shows the written numbers running through it like a trail of blood. The word 'drop' smeared that trail for me. Just an idea. :O)

    for all those false tales of love
    ^
    Adding this reason for the darkened soul gives this reader more evidence and helps with the feelings of empathy. Well done.

    four
    ^
    Just the number works well. Super!

    for these ashen tears.
    ^
    Describing tears as ashen increases the power to the image of tears. Ash: the residual matter left over from a substance destroyed by fire. A good metaphor for a darkened heart, right? I see stained mascara, a black smudge staining cheeks.

    A pool of blood lies before me now.
    ^
    This is a shocking part for me. I start to think, 'oh my Gosh' she has cut herself to let out the pain!

    A pool of empty memories.
    ^
    Pouring out the emptiness and pain. This line might flow better (excuse the pun) like this:
    growing with empty memories. By leaving out 'a pool' it paints a picture of this pool of blood growing with the flow of painful memories. Again, just an idea. :O)

    A lifetime of shattered hopes
    in dissarray.
    ^
    More description, so this works well here. Small typo in the word 'dissarray' I believe it should be 'disarray' ?

    These are my
    bloodstained regrets.
    ^
    A final couplet and a summary of a powerful image of blood and extreme pain caused by regrets of experiences that have not gone right.

    Well done, this is great!

    Take care,

    Michael

  • 9 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    From Wine Stained Regrets to Blood Stained Regrets - Hazel, there are too many regrets here!
    But what cannot be argued about is how excellent both pieces are.
    I love the layout of this piece and how powerfully your misery is conveyed!
    All the best Hazel and TAKE CARE
    Ben

    • 9 years ago

      by Dancing Rivers

      Haha lol u make me laugh bennie:) thanks for the comment

  • 8 years ago

    by Em

    I love this piece.

    It's powerful and grips me the whole way through. The final couplets are my favourite.