Comments : Alone

  • 9 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Hello Koan,

    Often reading a large block of text can be off putting, but the way you set out your poem into readable verse with pleasing rhyme, language and unique metaphors creates a poem that is delightful to read...

    Since Ill Omen lulled at the cradle of my existence
    Destiny has dawned its animosity with great persistence.
    Paths that were parallel have become less defined
    Enamored dreams with reality have never entwined.
    ^
    This verse introduces the main cord that runs through. The Ill Omen at your cradle creates ill health from birth and through life perhaps, or if not ill fortune at the least. This would undoubtedly make one feel that destiny was purposefully against you.

    Empty wells within my heart by tides of sorrow did overflow
    Prayers of mercy that no one heard have slowly sunk below.
    Boisterous love-sighs smoothed off into a parting groan
    And everything that ever was I embraced all alone.
    ^
    The image of an empty heart overflowing with sorrow is powerful. Normally we see a heart full of joy, but turning this around works well. Add to this the physical weight of unanswered prayers/ wishes literally drown a person with sorrow.
    Fleeting passion is well described as boisterous love-sighs turning into disappointed groans. This cycle leaving a world alone and that makes fun less, well, fun!

    Deluded memories of this beginning still bleed through
    As Tyrant Fate tainted my conciseness then waved adieu.
    Now hues of Heaven and Hell shine in my abstract days
    Currents of the Unknown anchor me to an elaborate haze.
    ^
    A memory of that chance of love, or at least when the thought of it was almost in reach, but then fate swipes it away.
    Looking back (hues) of positive and negatives times. Here the word shine is too positive to encompass the negative part, maybe substitute it for 'cast'?
    An unknown anchor - what is it that prevents happiness. Looking outwards, when maybe the resistance is within and the denial is too strong to accept?

    But beneath the lacerated mask hides the truth that I must reveal
    The longing of eyes and lips that these hands try to conceal,
    From the unconfined whispers swaying and playing in my chest
    To all the ringlet of fiery dreams that still keep me possessed.
    ^
    A lady, a secret lady or at least a desire. The longing is haunting and the demons would never allow it anyway...

    Gazing, past the hallow fields, through the clusters of vacant arms,
    Above my awaiting cold vault around the long forgotten charms,
    For I still strive to see just one sunburst hope within life's crowds
    But my Only World has suffused it's face with darkened clouds...
    ^
    They say there is a lover (sunburst) out there for everyone, but those demons will not allow it...

    Revolving shadows of my demons were the creation of my own
    And now, everything I have ever loved, I embrace all alone
    ^
    Here the moral of the tale. The demons were never external, they were manifested within. If love is to be found one must find love within first - otherwise we face a future 'alone'

    Well done Koan,

    A well thought out poem full of creative metaphors, super alliteration and balanced emotional content.

    Take care,

    Michael

  • 9 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    I agree with Michael in that a block of words can be off putting, but the fact it has such a pleasing rhyme scheme and the content is - as ever - excellent, makes this a very easy and enjoyable read.
    Well done again, Koan and all the best,
    Ben

  • 9 years ago

    by Kaytrien

    Oh My Gosh! This is amazing! I can't even use words to explain how good this is! Please keep writing!:)
    Kayt Hall

  • 9 years ago

    by Cindy

    Wow this was always one of my favorites. The picture you painted for the minds eye is heart wrenching.
    Excellent job
    *hugs
    Cindy