Comments : Signs

  • 9 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Jay,

    Again, lovely idea here. I think I counted 19 syllables, though and haiku must be no more than 17.
    What about:
    stiff and creaking joints
    nature's warning you, "watch your
    steps, here comes the fall."

    By taking out the "way of" takes it to 17, I think. Just an idea - play around with it....you're almost there!
    All the very best

    • 9 years ago

      by J Nair

      Thanks Ben!! ya i get it now.

      l will try again.
      Jay :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Ingrid

    Hi Jay,

    This needs a little tweaking as it now has too many syllables on the second line and also the third line should be a statement all on its own, a real twist. The title is great, needs no work. I fooled around a little with the words, see what you think:

    Stiff and creaking joints--
    Nature's way of warning you.
    "Beware of the Fall"

    Take care,
    Ingrid

    • 9 years ago

      by J Nair

      " Beware of the Fall" - wow Ingrid how do you do this. It is completely transformed. More Impactful too.

      Thank you :)
      (( hugs))
      Jay.

  • 9 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    You actually have really good ideas with your haiku, so once you get the syllable count correct, they will be excellent!
    All the best

    • 9 years ago

      by J Nair

      Thank you Ben for the motivation. :)