Downtown.

by Poet on the Piano   Dec 9, 2015


I was looking for someone close by. Someone I could easily "Map Quest" and poof, I'd have my answers.

But I have nothing more now. I have less.

I'm more confused than ever. We sat together for two and a half hours talking. Complete opposites. You drawing in spirits while I tried to explain why exactly I'm treating the temple of the Holy Spirit like this when I know I'm not meant to.

You assured me I did nothing wrong.

How can you say that when I know what's right and you don't believe in sin or repentance or a higher power other than yourself.

I want to run so badly. But there's nowhere to go. There's no point in trying to leave because that will only bring more pain and cost me more days I've already been wasting.

I laughed. So. Much.
I smiled. So. Much.

But that wasn't real... that wasn't truth.

I don't know what I'm after anymore. You said, "just relax, just relax" yet how can I when I'm choosing to be used and you call it sentimental and that I should be proud for waiting so long.

It's all wrong. Stop saying it isn't.

Maybe I saw the good in you. And disregarded all else. After all, you saw all of me. My body, uncovered. The scars. The marks. The letters I carved into my skin years ago from being named something I know God never intended me to believe I am. You defended me. Said I had "nothing to be ashamed of". Well who's being honest now?

I drove downtown in the city of churches. And there's where I lost the purity of my soul. What's even real now? How can I escape these roads I'm creating? These nightmares I'm tattooing on my heart?

-

Freewrites. Bleh.

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Latest Comments

  • 9 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    ...a wonderful and pure piece of prose. It made me feel I was you for a moment in time...

    Like an insect immortalised in amber I could see your world and taste the pain.

    ((Hugs))

  • 9 years ago

    by Britt

    MA...

    I feel like you jumped into my head and my heart and wrote this from my own experience. I know we aren't traveling through the same experiences, but just know that someone relates to you, to this, so closely, and so much. I honestly gasped when I read these words because of the connection I feel to them, and seeing how deeply connected I truly do feel to this.

    It's hard when we fall into a temptation, whether that be someone or an addiction, and we knowingly do the wrong thing, yet know what the right thing is and want so badly to do the right thing, not only for ourselves but for God. And we know that God will forgive us, but knowingly sinning is also not healthy for our hearts. When we are taught to guard our hearts, yet we let the enemy in because for that moment in time it finally made us feel good, it ruins pieces of you that only God can heal. The problem with only feeling good in those moments is it leaves us heartbroken, numbed, and ashamed. It's in those moments I fall to my knees, cry out to Jesus, and worship Him, praise Him in the midst of the storm, because even though life is messy, God is our refuge and strength (I've been reading a lot of Psalms lately, lol).

    This is a beautiful expression of your pain, and while I'm so sorry you felt something, anything, that made you write this, I'm glad you did. Sometimes it's helpful to know there are others out there struggling with similar things, to know you're never alone. <3 I'm always here for you!

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