Defeatist.

I've lived an unintentional lie and still,
I don't understand what more is wanted.
Maybe I've been everybody's fool all these years.
Maybe I wasted my own self-assurance.

God saved me a thousand times yet here again,
I shiver on the tile, wanting to swallow darkness
and stop wondering if these mind games will end.

Don't say I'm demoralized.
Don't take me for what I was.
I don't want pity.

I fought. I thanked God and screamed to the
Heavens when the hope lasted...
when I awoke unafraid to see the world for what it is.

I've been trying as hard as I can, praying in between attempts to assassinate my soul,

but I can't seem to keep these damn promises to myself

no matter how hard my grip is.