I Am Ashamed

by Once an Angel   Jan 11, 2016


I am queer.
I am not straight.
I am a woman
who loves women,
who has once loved a man.
I am a woman
who loves two women,
who loves a man.
I am not ashamed.

I am ashamed of world
where who I love
and how I love,
is demanded to be
the business
of everyone else.
Where private is demanded
to be public.
Where 'coming out'
is my only means of living
a genuine life.

I ashamed
that I spend most of my life
being ashamed,
spending all my energy
towards undoing myself,
resenting myself,
destroying myself
to please you.
Because I know
you'd ask.
You did ask.

I am ashamed of world
where my place with God
is determined
by anyone else,
but God and I.
Where people take the responsibility
to damn my soul
to condemn my heart,
to be God in my life,
under the guise of love
and piety.

I am ashamed that you
have to explain away me.
That you
explain my feelings,
explain my experiences,
in terms of
the abuse I have suffered,
a struggle of mortality,
a bar to eternity,
a way
of saying
underneath
I am not who I am,
I should not be
Me.

I am ashamed that this poem
makes you ashamed.
That as one in relation as
a daughter,
a friend,
a sister,
an aunt,
a lover,
a partner,
a girlfriend,
a healing,
a human,
I must be ashamed,
to relate to you,
for you to relate
to me.

I am ashamed of living in a world
that asks me to label myself,
for you,
so you
can decide who I am
before I know myself.
Where who I am
must be a static,
and unchanging thing,
for you to construct
the box to hold me in.
I am ashamed of you,
and how one word,
one phase
undoes in your mind
and in your eyes
all the rest of me.

I am ashamed.

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Latest Comments

  • 8 years ago

    by cassie hughes

    Such an intense and heartfelt poem.
    No one should ever be ashamed for being who they are. It is a shame that for all people spout about tolerance and understanding there are still people out there who will judge and condemn those who do not conform to their ideals.
    Do what you will if it harm none. Hold your head high and be who you were meant to be.

    • 8 years ago

      by Once an Angel

      Thank you for your thoughts and taking the time to read my poem. I appreciate hearing from people who might see the world as more of an accepting place than I have yet encountered. As I said to Michael, I appreciate your admonition to do no harm, because it calls me to question if hurting other people's feelings is harming them, and if that is a harm I can accept and I harm that should be laid at my feet. Thank you.

  • 8 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Hello,

    We live in a so called free world. A world of tollerance and acceptance. All good? No! We live within societies that judge others and condemn them by moral codes they themselves contradict.

    There is no need to feel ashamed when no harm is being done. If we all paid more attention to our own lives we would be happier and less bothered about other peoples lives.

    Nominated.

    Peace.

    Michael

    • 8 years ago

      by Once an Angel

      Thank you for your thoughts and support. It is a delicate line to walk when people take harm when none is intended, and choose to be harmed. There is a such a need for me to hold their feelings into account, while simultaneously trying to hold respect for my own feelings, and beliefs. Your admonition to do not harm is an interesting and thought provoking idea I will need to consider more thoroughly.

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