"Tigers seem to scratch / an old styled chalk board / wherever you talk"
Not simply fingernails scraping the board - wild animals scratching out audible pain!
"and they / seem to butcher the violin / whenever you are laughing"
I can imagine Jack Benny torturing the audience here.
And here is the slap across the face that is perfection at it's best (or worst to the receiving end):
"my hatred for you / seemed to manifest a poetic / outlet so well detailed that I / must confess my deepest / apologizes to the tigers"
It is no secret that the greatest love and the most intolerable situation can each produce great poetry. Seems like you are recognizing the latter and making an ironic backhand compliment to her.
One change I'd recommend: apologizes = apologies.
8 years ago
by Ben Pickard
Moria,
When you messaged me this, I was genuinely in awe of what you had written. It's the kind of imagery and description I dream about being able to conjure in my often feeble attempts at free verse, so I am so pleased that you posted it for others to read.
I love the whole poem, but the first stanza is what draws people in and this one does that beautifully. The way you compare this former roommate's voice to that of a tiger scratching "an old style chalk board" (I hate that noise) and violins being butchered by them when you laugh, I think, is a stroke of genius. The stanza itself, but especially rthe word "butcher" leave the reader from this early stage in doubt about your feelings towards the subject.
Second stanza - honesty. You tell this person forcefully not to be angry with you simply for telling the truth. You have had enough and perhaps bottled these feelings up so long, but you won't do that anymore and here is "(your) cents laid bare". Would "two cents laid bare" not be better? I think that's the expression. Up to you, either way, another great and more direct stanza. We're getting to the meat of it quickly here.
Then the more abstract pondering of these metaphorical animals' ability to create such havoc whenever this person talks/laughs, which I love. It shows your mind wondering and obviously upset and obviously still very involved in their actions whether you want to be or not - after all, their laughing and talking still sound like a violin being butchered and a board being scratched.
The last stanza is blunt, and very final. An acknowledgement of what this hatred has done, artistically speaking: "my hatred for you seemed to manifest a poetic outlet so well detailed...." which proves something good can come of these scenarios (great art, like this) but also (and brilliantly) an apology to those metaphorical tigers for having to involve them in this spat with your former roommate!