The Lonely and the Loved

They say the only people awake at midnight
Are the lonely and the loved.
One out of two is good right?
With thoughts of you on my mind
I feel there's no sleep in sight.
I thought you'd be there and protect me
That in the dark you'd be a light.
I thought you'd soothe my nerves
Anytime I'd have a fright.

I left what I knew to come to you,
I put my trust issues aside and ran,
Because I didn't know what else to do.
I hoped and prayed with everything in me
That it wasn't a decision I'd come to rue,
That the promises of love and warmth
Would for once actually come true.
I was a young girl with pain in her heart
Hoping that for once a man would come through.

But I should have know it was false hope,
A stupid little dream never to come true.
And all I did was give myself just enough rope
To hang myself once again in the end.
So I turned back to the only ways I knew to cope
And again familiarized myself with sharp blades
As I fell down a dark and steep slope.
I just wanted to be a daughter with a father
But in the end all you had to say was...nope.

So tonight, more than a year later I sit alone
In the dark trying to figure it out.
Why won't anyone claim me as their own?
I don't understand why a parents love
To me, is still something unknown.
If someone could tell me please, what I did
So that somehow, some way I can atone.
Am I not smart enough? Pretty enough?
Am I really such a horrid crone?

I'm sorry okay?!?
I don't mean to always mess up!
Explain to me, please, why I am laying here crying over you?!?
I...I thought I was supposed to cry over boys at my age.
Why did no one warn me my father would be who brought on my tears?
Why wasn't I warned I would never be good enough?
Why won't anyone tell me how to be what you want, daddy?
Why?
Why am I not as good as my little brother for you, mom?
I...I don't understand.
Tell me what to do.
Tell me who to be.
Please...

*****
I know this isn't a pretty and well structured poem but it's kinda raw.
My emotions are raw. Because it's 230am and I have to be up in 4 hours
and he won't get out of my head...he won't get out.