Comments : Corked wine (syntuit string) (HM)

  • 8 years ago

    by Em

    Michael Michael Michael, this s a truly beautiful but raw piece that is relatable to many people including me. It brought a tear to my eye as many men and women alike are going through this daily and aren't strong enough to walk away.

    Corked wine
    ^^
    This title is very intriguing and makes me wonder why corked but reading through it links to his outburst, well played.

    The table was laid
    out just the way he liked it:
    shrouded in dim light
    ^^
    You set a wonderful scene here and because of the way it's set it seems to be so serene yet I feel it's the calm before the storm.

    He picked up the glass,
    greedily gulping it down:
    red eyes flickering
    ^^
    I saw this all too well in my last relationship. Booze would always be drank eagerly leading to those flickering, angry eyes. How I hated those, they warned me what was coming.

    His cruel cold hard fists
    smashed into her pretty face;
    her fault yet again
    ^^
    Again, wonderful imagery and one I am so familiar with unfortunately. Always taking punches and blame..

    she rose from the floor,
    wiped a smile onto her face
    and apologised
    ^^
    Nods head. As always until you are strong it will happen and happen. Unfortunately their mind control is so hard to overcome that's it difficult not to blame oneself.

    I love this Michael although sombre it needs to be on the front page and I'm going to be sure to nominate it when I get my votes.

    Em

  • 8 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Well this got me..........

    Very powerful piece indeed..

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Michael

    A really eerie air prevails throughout this piece and right from the word go.
    Words like 'shrouded' in the opening syntuit give the piece an instantly dark and brooding feel - and the table was laid out just the way HE liked it. This doesn't sound like a typical romantic dinner.
    Consuming wine 'greedily' at the dinner table with 'red eyes flickering' further lends to the already ominous feel - I now do not trust this man at all and already have sympathy for whoever is joining him.
    The third syntuit is effective in its harshness. 'smashed into her face ' is entirely unpleasant to read - as it should be for such a horrid subject. I may suggest a comma or two in the first line though: "cruel, cold, hard fists" - up to you as I am aware with these forms, too much punctuation can ruin the flow.
    The fourth syntuit is excellent : "wiped a smile onto her face" - and the blood off it, perhaps? Honestly, your wording there is sublime. And then, as in so many of these situations, 'she apologised'

    A cruel, cold, hard poem, Michael but wonderfully effective.

    All the very best,
    Ben

  • 8 years ago

    by Brenda

    Dang Michael! This is dark! You started out in a totally different venue on this poem then BAM. Totally blown away. Take care-Brenda

  • 8 years ago

    by J Nair

    Michel, I loved the way the drama is built scene by scene with each verse.......

    and i like to interpret the last verse differently...

    she rose from the floor,
    wiped a smile onto her face
    and apologised

    she had finally had the courage and poisoned his drink, a smile wiped across her face and she apologised for the final action.

    Jay .

  • 8 years ago

    by Augustus Black

    Hello Sir,

    I sense that something strong or horrible is hidden in this well crafted write. After reading many times, still fail to find out. But somehow I guess that the king came to know that her princess is having love relationship with any other chap and that's why he slapped her and ultimately she apologised. I probably be totally wrong here.

    I don't think poisoning the wine is making out any great meaning, because if he had drunk the poisonous wine then he would not have been able to smashed her as we all know that poison make people fragile very rapidly.

    Now here,
    wiped a smile onto her face

    I don't think it's right to suggest such a well experienced writer. I might be wrong here, but still I would like to present my view.

    I think there should be:
    wiped a smile from her face.

    Somehow I think above line is looking suitable.

    It's a very nice write.

    • 8 years ago

      by Mr. Darcy

      Hello Augastus, I appreciate your feedback. These short forms are more complex than they first appear. The wiping on a smile meant, she forced a smile on her face so as not to upset him. The word wiped suggest effort to do this and so engenders empathy from the reader (I hoped)

      The theme is a married couple, the lady is the long suffering wife of a man who physically violent to her. The Corked wine is a expression for when the corking process hasn't worked and the wine spoils. causing an unpleasant flavour. Despite his wife's obvious efforts he tastes the wine and his disapproval of it gave him reason enough to hit her. The fact her face is pretty was meant to show she is a trophy wife, only acquired to make him look good. He has to keep her submissive as this is the only way he can control her, make sure she never leaves or feels like she is strong enough to.

      She apologises with a forced smile in the hope he doesn't hit her again for crying or looking unhappy.

      Thanks again, I liked that fact you read this a few times.

      All the best, Michael

  • 8 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Judge Comment:

    Michael - You did wonderful with this form, I am very impressed!

    The message is a difficult one to even thing about, let alone write and you just layed it all out.. I was shocked and happy all at the same time, because this darkness should never remain hidden... truly a wonderful poem!