Untitled poem ..

by Everlasting   May 30, 2016


A walk besides the lake beneath the stars
while holding hands and looking at your eyes
It is what makes me feel like I'm in Mars
or in some universe beyond our skies

it's just those eyes of yours that are like spaceships
that with a gaze of them, I feel transposed
now I'm in space transversing for your lips
as if they are the planets I must diagnosed

with you, I can become like astronauts
too eager to explore the galaxies
plus each and every cosmo of our thoughts
till we traverse all of the universes

then while still holding hands beneath the moon
I must tell you the one I love is you

For J.S.

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  • 8 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Oh wow, Ben's right, a sonnet, a love poem. Sweet.

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Lucero

    I'm not sure if this is intended as a sonnet or not - it certainly has most of the hallmarks - but is off in syllables here and there. Still, knowing you, I am sure you are aware of that which is why it isn't labelled a sonnet.
    Still, me being a lover of sonnets, I have to commend you on the iambic pentameter throughout and that final volta which is excellent.

    All I would suggest is that you drop the "that" in the last line as I think (personally) it would flow more easily and the iambic meter would be better.

    I must tell you the one I love is you.

    Just a suggestion.

    All the very best,
    Ben

    • 8 years ago

      by Everlasting

      Thanks for the suggestion Ben. It's fixed.

      Yup! It was supposed to be free verse then I realized i had starting writing an English sonnet but then I couldn't get the last couplet to rhyme, so you are right.

  • 8 years ago

    by Em

    This is a beautiful written poem about falling in love/being in love with that special person (here j.s) love the whole concept of the piece feeling like you're in mars or wherever because you are in his arms or by his side and when you fond the right person I assume that's how it'll feel.

    Em

  • 8 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Hello,

    Firstly I must say that I'm happy for you and that J.S is a lucky person. As writers we don't often receive poems especially written for us, so this is a gift indeed.

    I like the concept of falling in love being like an astronaut in space; feeling weightless and out of kilter. Through new eyes everything looks alien, just like a marsian landscape, wonderful and new. In this new world of love for J.S there's so much to explore but before this adventure can truly begin a declaration has to be made...

    and where better with J.S beneath the moon. You'll look into those spaceship eyes containing a wealth of planets and by opening up your heart two worlds will be aligned for exploration.

    Best of luck for your voyage.

    Take care,

    Michael

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