Under/Over
by IdTakeABulletForYou Jun 1, 2016
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You were under me once but you're over me now |
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8 years agoby hiraeth
I don't want to delve too deep into this poem because it seems personal, so I will just highlight a few of the things that I found interesting.
"We went from 0 to 90 and then to a stop"
^ the fact that you chose 0 to 90 and not 0 to 60 or 0 to 100 is interesting, it breaks the norm, which I think is meant to mirror your relationship with whoever it is you're speaking about, that it isn't orthodox.
"and if you're reading this, then perhaps you've mistaken."
^ you've should be 'you're'.
The usage of square brackets is a bit confusing to me, it's typically utilized to denote that the author is interjecting with information to help the context of things, and in lieu of that it's used for aesthetics purposes while following along with the usage of regular bracket, to add in information that isn't vital. Arguably I think you're going for the latter, but the first two brackets '[who's]' and '[to break]' seem important to the poem. It's also possible that that you encapsulated them in brackets to add emphasis. Can you clarify this for me?
Apart from that, really enjoyed this piece. Thank you for sharing, and I hope this brought you some catharsis after writing.-
8 years ago
First, the matter of the hyphens. Each one has a different meaning. It's not really anything the reader would be able to divulge from the text alone (which, perhaps in a rewrite, I'd consider throwing easter eggs so as to not be so mysterious).
Here is the explanation:
The phrase I thought up -that triggered this poem- was "you were under me once but you're over me now", and is actually sexual in nature, with "under" referring to positioning.
With the first hyphen, I wanted to create a division between the sexuality and the reality: I can't see [who's] on top being both sexual and interpersonal, and without the hyphen (how it's supposed to be read on the second go) is "I can't see on top" meaning that I've lost all control of the situation and have no vision/understanding of what's happening to me, or to us.
The second hyphen I wanted to put emphasis on the fact that not only was I a toy to this lover, but I was a toy that was being broken/destroyed. I wanted to fit that in with a rhyme, but I could not... I felt it was important enough to include in a hyphen, where it would still be perceived by the reader.
The final hyphenation alluded to the fact that, toward the end of the poem, I realize it's the "same ol', same ol'". If I'm going to recover from the past to make sure it's not repeated in the future, I have to completely change my perspective... That there truly are better people out there in the "grand world" and that I don't need to put up with the abuse and neglect met at the hands of my abuser.
The reader would never have understood, but that's why I threw those snippets in there... mostly for my personal appeasement.
I think to directly answer you, they are more for emphasis than anything else.
As for the "you've mistaken" piece, I have been a bit torn on this aspect as well. I wanted to add another hyphen (your favorite, ;) ) after mistaken where it said [me]... therefore, it would read "...you've mistaken [me]." I realize now that I left it unchanged and without the me, not making a decision one way or the other, and so I shall go back to fix this.
Thank you very much for your comment and time, and I appreciate the insight!
-IdTakeABulletForYou
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8 years ago
by Marc Ortiz
Such a beautiful poem you have written here!
- I really loved how you have linked the first and last line in this piece. It just felt like there was an obstacle that you have successfully 'cross.'
- The first stanza clearly tells the reader about the concept of your poem which is really well done!
- 'We went 0 to 90 and then to a stop,'
^ One of the best lines in this poem. It painted such a good imagery in my mind about the situation of the relationship.
- 'You're a terrible person.
I would know: I'm one too.
... but the moment you try to break me down, we're through.
Yeah, the sex is okay, but I'll find someone new.
It's a grand [ol'] world out there.
It does not end with you.'
^ I like the resolve from you in this stanza.
Love's not meant to be games that you play with my head
and if you plan to wreck me, then find a new toy [to break].
^ I like the synergy of words you have used in these two lines. 'Games and Toy'
- Thank you for this poem I truly enjoyed reading it. -
8 years ago
by Ben Pickard
Hello
A great healing write here that just lets it all out. I like the way we, as readers, seem to get taken on the journey of recovery with you in this poem, from the beginning when they are over you to the end where you victoriously announce that you are now over them!
Great write and I hope - if literal - it made you feel a little better.
All the best,
Ben
