Failures (Senryu Triplet)
by IdTakeABulletForYou Jun 8, 2016
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I can't help but fail. |
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Latest Comments
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8 years ago
by Liz
I love senryu and haiku poetry. I think I've only ever written one once and I just can't anymore. I need a lot more than 17 syllables, lol.
Can't say anything that hasn't been said. Thank you for sharing this!-
8 years ago
Yes, it is particularly difficult to a) not be generic and cliché (as Senryu posted in his comment) with only 17 syllables and b)make what you say poignant, at the same time. I enjoy challenges, and this senryu was definitely a challenge that I feel I still have to perfect. Glad you enjoyed it, though :)
V/r
IdTakeABulletForYou
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8 years agoby hiraeth
"I can't help but fail.
Nothing can prepare you for
defeat's bitter taste."
Well first let me preface this with the comment that all of the poems are true to the nature of senryu's; touching on human foibles and this is probably one of the best embodiment of the senryu I've seen in a while. I do have a bit of an issue with 'defeat's bitter taste' since it is a bit cliche. Don't get me wrong, it still works, but since senryu's are limited in nature utilizing a cliche seems to be a bit lazy, perhaps 'this embarrassment' (even that sounds eh)' or something a bit more unique? Just a thought. :)
The second stanza serves as the bridge between the first and the last, and does a great job at it.
"One day, I will earn
the look of pride in your eyes:
I'll fail at failing."
The last verse is also a bit cliche, but in this case it totally works here, unifying all of the senryu's in theme here. Really enjoyed this chain senryu! -
8 years ago
I dont know how to reply to a comment, but your welcome. And thank you for your encouraging words. :)
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8 years ago
I cant help but read and re-red this.
I like it. It sticks in my head and it took me back to all the times I have failed and made the same mistake over and over..
Thank you, for putting it into words..-
8 years ago
Your words move me! I used to do that with some of Emily D_ckinson's poems; I'd get lost discerning what in her life could have caused her to write some of her pieces. I definitely appreciate that you took the time to read it more than once. I actually re-read it after you wrote your comment and changed a line (once again), and I feel like I made it better. Even at one's best, one can always be better -- I think the same goes for failure! I have no doubts that your mistakes have shaped you into the unique and insightful poet that you are, and thank you for unknowingly inspiring me :)
V/r
IdTakeABulletForYou
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8 years ago
by Ben Pickard
Hello Stephen
Wonderful senryu string here which isn't easy to achieve - for me, anyway!
As pessimistic as the tone is throughout the first two, I do like the optimistic ring of the third one, especially the final line "I will fail at failing" - great stuff.
The only gripe I have is the "earned" and "earn" in such close proximity to each other although I couldn't really see another option. Maybe "One day I will see the ...."
Anyway, this is a great write and one I enjoyed multiple times.
Take care and all the best,
Ben-
8 years ago
Yes, that redundancy is something that I noticed as well and lingered on my first few times counting and editing through the triplet. I was actually going to post a second copy, each with two different versions of that line, below the main one but I ended up just sucking it up and hoping the redundancy didn't ruin the poem. I will think of what I want to do, whilst also taking your suggestion into account!
Thank you very much for the comment! :) -
8 years ago
Oh yes, the alternative verse I was going to do for the center was:
I look in your eyes
and I expect no pardon,
for I have failed you.
I felt fail, at that moment, would have been a bit redundant and the center verse was a reprieve from the word. What do you think?
Decided to change it to that!
Old verse:
I look in your eyes
and I expect no pardon,
for success is earned.
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