Comments : Ashes on Mars

  • 8 years ago

    by Everlasting

    If I could, I would.
    But I doubt, I should
    Because going to Mars
    Or to visit the stars
    Requires a single life.
    And I, would like...
    To have some kids
    And many grandkids
    to play with

    • 8 years ago

      by Larry Chamberlin

      Go with a husband
      create a new land
      you'll still have one life,
      true, plenty of strife,
      but you'll have your kid
      living off the grid

  • 8 years ago

    by Everlasting

    Edit

  • 8 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Larry,

    After I read this piece I started singing rocket man by elton John. ...

    Just a very touching piece....

  • 8 years ago

    by Em

    Larry, this is so beautiful and delicately written. Imagery spot on, rhyming spot on and well my tears flowed having lost a child myself.

    Well done Larry definitely glad this has been nominated!
    Em

  • 8 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    I thought it was beautiful, but the word "stuff" really ruined the last verse (for me, at least)!

    Other than that, great job Larry!

    V/r
    IdTakeaBulletForYou

    • 8 years ago

      by Larry Chamberlin

      I struggled with that. On the one hand the "right stuff" required it, but on the other, it sounded cheesy. Thanks.

      Here is what ITABFY refers to:

      "Cosmic journeys began with daring flights
      that were taken by men whose stuff was right"

      now changed to:

      "taken by men whose shared vision was bright"

  • 8 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    A perfect change, and it makes the last verse rightfully beautiful now! Thank you!

    5/5
    IdTakeABulletForYou