A Love Story

by Satish Verma   Jun 20, 2016


Have not asked much,
still attached to you with subtelities,
I wanted freedom from you,
For removing stings from the flesh.

Anxiety was the darkest color
of floating buds on lake.
Sitting on the edge of panic,
I started counting the waves.

Mixed emotions always subtract a smile
Just lonely, I went for the swim in rimless agony.
Have not heard much of you in ages.
Still memories crop up for a while.
I wanted nemesis from you.

Talking of blue and white clouds
love has many moods.
Devastated by a burning moon
I was wishing a watery burial.

2


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Latest Comments

  • 8 years ago

    by Em

    Satish, this is a beautiful piece made even smoother with the lovely imagery and descriptions.

    Here are my edit suggestions:

    I have not asked for much but
    still attached to you with subtitles
    I wanted freedom from you,
    removing stings from the flesh.
    ^^^
    There were a few off flowy parts here and subtitles was typed wrong so I decided to just r-write it.

    Anxiety was the darkest color
    of floating buds on (A) lake.
    Sitting on the edge of panic,
    I started counting the waves.
    ^^^^
    (A) is an added word and I feel it's needed.

    Mixed emotions always subtract a smile
    Just lonely, I went for the swim in rimless agony.
    Have not heard much of you in ages.
    Still memories crop up for a while.
    I wanted nemesis from you.
    ^^^
    in the second line I feel you could take out the 'just' and 'the' I feel should be an 'a'
    Also, in the third line 'for a while' is not needed and sets the flow off a little.

    Talking of blue and white clouds
    love has many moods.
    Devastated by a burning moon
    I was wishing a watery burial.
    ^^
    This is really good but because you haven't previously spoken of clouds and are just linking it with the sea from the previous stanza I feel it would read better without the word cloud as it seems to be just thrown in there.

    These are only my suggestions.

    All in all great write, Em

  • 8 years ago

    by DarkLight

    Another attractive write. Emotions pouring beautifully. They say words have their way of opening wounds.