Comments : Combustible (Senryu)

  • 8 years ago

    by Em

    Haha love this. Very well done Brenda. Xx

    • 8 years ago

      by Brenda

      Thanks Em! My very first Senryu-yay!

  • 8 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    I do think this is quite realistic, even though I don't experience them myself. Beautiful imagery in the small space you have to instill a vision in the reader's head with a Senryu. My only suggestion would be for an addition of punctuation.

    The flush starts quickly,
    hotter than molten lava.
    Thank you hot flashes!

    Other than that, great job! Em has started a site-wide Senryu trend, and I love it!

    5/5
    IdTakeABulletForYou

    • 8 years ago

      by Brenda

      Thank you! I will definitely add the punctuation to this. Yay to Em for starting all this site-wide. I will have to do more of these. It was a lot of fun. Thank you again-take care!

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Brenda

    This is a great little senryu. Syllable count correct and the content is witty.
    My only suggestion would be to change the title to prevent repletion in the last line of the main body of the work. Michael (Mr Darcy) always told me that a senryu is too short for repletion but that it can also give the all important punch line away too soon, in this case 'hot flashes'. Leave the reader fooled until the end, as it were.
    He also said that the title should be a 'sneaky fourth line' (his words!). So in this case maybe 'volcanic heat' or something like that. Keep the last line as a little surprise.
    Either way, your choice and a great senryu. Well done and all the best,
    Ben

    • 8 years ago

      by Brenda

      Thank you so much Ben! I will definitely take your suggestions to heart and change the title. This was a fun type of write, I'm definitely going to do more of these.Thanks again-Brenda

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Love the new title, Brenda!

    • 8 years ago

      by Brenda

      Thanks Ben! Thank you again for pointing me in the right direction

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    I was tempted to write that this amused me, but that would be entirely insensitive considering I am a man and am never likely to suffer them! Instead, I will simply say that I enjoyed this and you have my sympathy!

    SL

    • 8 years ago

      by Brenda

      Thank you so much Sir L! It's ok if you were amused, I have to find humour in all these "life changes" or I would simply go mad-lol. I appreciate the sympathy though-take care-Brenda